To celebrate our #WBSMingle Christian Mingle: The Movie livetweet over on Twitter tonight (7pm Eastern!), below is a transcript of our first Patreon-goal bonus episode!
(As we’ve said previously, these transcripts are a work in progress! We’ve made some changes to make them more readable, but please let us know if you have any further suggestions! Thanks!)
[Intro music plays: “Big Gay Water Fight” by Plushgoolash]
Welcome to the Worst Bestsellers where we watched a romantic comedy infomercial so you don’t have to. I’m Kait–
–and I’m Renata!
And for this bonus episode we watched Christian Mingle: The Movie. Joining us to discuss our sponsor’s propaganda is Rebecca, podcast editor and drunk on a Tuesday.
I’m a little drunk on a Tuesday too.
I’m super drunk on a Tuesday because I had that gin drink on top of the Bud Light Straw-Ber-Rita Margarita with a twist contains alcohol.
So right off the bat, I want to say two things.
Bare minimum, two things. The first thing is this is our–our first milestone goal hit epi… that’s not the term for it– did I already say I’m drunk? Anyway…
Our first goal on Patreon was to watch and record an episode based on this movie, which all of you listeners have been telling us about pretty frequently since it came out at the end of 2014.
Which we appreciate in our souls.
Well, so–yeah, sorry, Becca. You got dragged in here. So yeah, people kept being like, “Oh my god, did you guys know there’s Christian Mingle: The Movie? Are you gonna watch it? Are you gonna watch it?” And we were like, “Yeah, sometime, probably.” And then tonight, as we were watching it, I tweeted a few things about it. And multiple people replied, “The what now? There’s Christian Mingle: The Movie?” And I was like, “Everyone get on our level, like, come on.” And then the second thing is that when–so we all like, watched this movie together, on a Tuesday, and we were going to try to, like, spruce it up and make a smallish party out of it. So we’re like, “Oh, what should we like, eat to go with it?” And I read the podcast– No. The summary on Wikipedia. And it mentioned they go on a mission trip to Mexico, which right away I thought like, “Oh, that’s gonna be shitty.” But also, I was like, “Oh, let’s get burritos and canned margaritas? Cuz we’re classy?” So that’s what we’re mostly drunk on. And that movie, they did not go to Mexico.
I mean, they went to Mexico twice. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
They went to, like, a parking lot. With a donkey in it.
[overlap] It was Los Angeles. They went to Los Angeles, they hired a donkey, for two whole days of shooting,
And they did not have the ASPCA confirm that they did not harm that donkey. We watched the whole credits.
God confirmed it.
That donkey is not doing okay. Okay, so that’s the main important things that I had to say right away. Oh, I got derailed and I never said thank you to to our Patreon patrons who helped us meet this goal. And so this episode is not exclusive to them. Because you know, we know how digital files work, if somebody–I don’t care–well, it’s on your feed, you can listen to it even if you did not donate to our Patreon. But it’s because of our Patreon supporters that this is here. So thank you.
And if listening to this, you’re like–
“What a quality episode.”
“Oh my gosh, how can I get more of these?” Then head on over to patreon.com/worstbestsellers where you, too, can pledge to buy us alcohol so that we will watch Netflix movies, and talk about them for, like, half an hour for you.
I have–I have so much to say, you guys. Okay, so thank you Patreon supporters for making us watch this movie–which is still streaming on Netflix, if you hear about this and want to watch it?
You don’t want to watch it. You don’t. It is…it is… [vague noises of bad movie distress]
I feel like I have seen a lot of Hallmark movies cuz my parents goddamn love them. Oh my god, Hallmark movies like deserve Oscars compared to this.
Yeah, this–this is–this is not Hall–this needs to get on Hallmark’s level.
Because, it just…..I don’t even know how to describe it. I mean, I guess I could describe it by telling you the plot of the movie.
Yeah, we’re gonna do that. But yeah, like, even compared to, like, Christmas Shoes–was a Hallmark or, who made the Christmas Shoes?
I don’t know.
They’re all the same kind of thing.
Anyway, the Christmas Shoes was infinity times better than this. And Rob Lowe was in that. So.
Yeah. This is, basically, essentially a long weird infomercial for ChristianMingle.com. It’s a story about Gwyneth, who is in her, like, early 30s and is the last of her friends to get engaged and is miserable about it and has gone on all these shitty dates with shitty guys–
Who don’t know where France is.
Don’t at all. Like, literally the date that opens the movie, she’s talking to the guy and like a bachelorette party of hot girls comes in. And he’s like, “Oh, I saw someone I know. I’ll be right back,” and gets up from the conversation with her to go, like, make out with all of them. It is….
And he’s not even that good looking. Gwyneth is Lacey Chabert and she is looking pretty good. Like, and they kind of act like she’s ugly. Like, she has to find a good photo and she’s really worried about it. She looks gorgeous. Even though she keeps wearing blankets all the time. As like sweaters? It cannot hide that she is very beautiful. But I think–I know we’re like two minutes into the movie, and I’m derailing already, but–
How not like you.
I know. I think that this movie functions very much as, like, a psychological sequel to Mean Girls where her character–like, cause Lacey Chabert’s character, Gwyneth, only has three friends–just like in Mean Girls–and they’re all terrible to her, all the time.
Her name was Gretchen–starts with a G.
What’s her last name in this movie?
The initials were on the wall, though.
Oh yeah, you’re right.
Was it GW?
Oh my god, you’re right!
No, it was H.
It was H.
You’re right, now that you say it.
And then, like, she’s so indecisive, and she, so, like, decides to just fake being a Christian? Which is just–
Okay, we’ll get there. We’ll get there. So it just feels like she is someone who has always been told what to do by Regina George. And now she’s just, like, adrift. And she’s like, “I guess this is what humans do, I don’t know!”
She definitely has no personality. At all. There’s like, I couldn’t tell you what her, likes and interests were other than–
–pretending to be Christian and men.
Yeah, well, yeah, she wanted to be married.
Yeah, so spoiler alert–she’s sitting at home being miserable one night and sees a commercial for ChristianMingle.com. And then the next night, she’s sitting home being miserable again, and she sees another commercial. So she’s just like, “Fuck it, I’m going to go for it!” Goes to ChristianMingle.com, makes a profile where, when it asks what congregation she belongs to, she puts “gods church”–
With no capitalization and no apostrophe. So, actually, so lowercase g-o-d-s no apostrophe, she actually described some sort of like pagan arrangement there. I don’t think that’s what she’s going for, but that’s what she did.
Yeah, I guess that’s true. Yeah. So she–she ends up getting matched with this totally bland dude with no personality.
She gets matched with Paul Ryan is what.
Who, they go out for coffee. And she’s like, already–
Never met a man named ‘Wood.’
Oh my god, that whole fucking–.
It’s like the most awkward–they have no chemistry.
Listen, it’s not even like no chemistry, it just starts–it basically starts with her [indistinguishable] him getting the coffee, though.
And it starts with him asking if she wants a cookie and her being like, “No, it’ll go to my chin. But then yes, I do want a cookie?”
So then he gets coffee and a cookie and she prays over the coffee. Like a good Christian would. And the whole time he knows he should leave. You can see it in his eyes. His dead little eyes. But he doesn’t.
And, like, meanwhile, at her work, with her one black friend and her weird boss who dresses like a ship admiral–
Her weird boss, who is Stephen Tobolowsky–
Yeah, that’s important.
Who is he in Clueless?
I’ve never actually seen Clueless, I couldn’t tell you. I just know him as Sammy Jenkins in Memento. And maybe other things, he is a big–he’s been in a million things.
He’s her dad, right? Now I’m liking, second guessing myself.
Maybe? I don’t know, you’re asking the wrong person.
No, no–he’s not in Clueless. Or–he’s not her dad.
Who is he? Or is he the teacher? Is he the teacher?
He’s definitely not her dad. Because I’m picturing her dad–
It’s been a minute since I’ve seen–
–from the trailer, which is my experience with Clueless.
If he’s not in Clueless you have to delete this. It’s too embarrassing.
Oh no, this is like when I left in the time you guys talked about the picture, the wrong picture in the museum in Barrowman’s book.
And I was like, “You guys are talking wrong the whole time.” And Kait was like, “I know.”
We did issue a tweet retraction.
I saw, I saw.
You keep talking, I’m gonna do this.
She’s just going through Stephen Tobolowsky’s entire filmography.
I should have looked at Clueless and gone back that way.
So, they have this brand new client who’s super important, who has made a little blue pill to help with male baldness. It cures baldness.
I was thinking of Wallace Shawn. Nevermind, delete myself.
Sorry, it’s in there now, we talked around it too much.
And it’s just like, weird. It really doesn’t have anything to do with anything. It just comes back a couple times. And–
For a hot second, we thought that dude was Jesus.
What’s his fucking name? Diners, Drive-ins and–
Guy Fieri’s weird cousin.
Yeah, I mean, which if you’re Guy Fieri’s weird cousin, you gotta be pretty weird.
Yeah, well, I mean, I feel like he’s the normal cousin, actually. Because he was just like, “Hey, I’m just an older dude, who’s in a leather jacket with like, perfect white hair. That God grew for me. But also these pills.” Which–of the two, that’s pretty normal.
Stephen Tobolowsky’s been in everything, by the way.
He has, he has.
He was in Justified. Anyway.
We’ll link to that.
We’ll put in the link dump Stephen Tobolowsky’s entire filmography.
So, she keeps going on all these dates with this guy and, like, keeps faking being Christian. She buys herself some Christian earrings. She takes him to a sushi restaurant and he’s like, “Yeah….sushi,” and, like, almost pukes eating one piece of tuna.
Because he has never had sushi before because Christians don’t eat fish?
Yeah, he was just straight up eating the Christian Mingle logo.
And nothing about any of their dates makes it seem like they have anything in common. Or they like each other at all?
They have no more chemistry than the first bad date. And I guess he’s like slightly more attractive than the first guy but he is not like–
They’re the same kind of boring white guy. Like, same exact face and haircut. First guy was in a suit and that’s how you know he’s a douche bag. He was in khakis. And that’s how you know he’s a Christian.
He takes her to his Bible study, so she, like, goes–she keeps going to the bookstore–when she signs up for her profile she goes to the bookstore and buys Christianity for Dummies and the Bible for Dummies.
And a lightly used Bible.
And a lightly used Bible. And then before her Bible study, she, like, cracks them both open, and her Bible, to, like, brush up on biblical shit. And goes to Bible study where she’s super awkward. And it’s with these, like, two Stepford Christian couples and her boyfriend’s, like, childhood best friend who’s very clearly in love with him. And it’s just super awkward the whole time.
She keeps trying to, like, casually drop in the bible verses that she memorized but they don’t really apply.
Yeah, and it just doesn’t go well. And they keep saying like, “Oh, like, you have to be yourself.” And, you know, she’s still trying to be, like, a perfect Christian. He invites her to his church–which we’re going to get to the best part of that–he invites her to his church to meet his parents. So she goes out and buys like a beige skirt, a beige sweater, a beige blouse, beige shoes–
She has the cross earrings already at that point. And–
Puts on some sensible pearls and a nice bun.
–goes to church.
And her three Mean Girls friends are with her at what seems to be like a fancy Good Will, and they’re like, “Christians don’t have to wear beige.” And she’s like, “I just want to fit in!” It’s really weird.
Yeah. But after they go to church, they go to their after church outing, which is to a restaurant called Steaks and Cakes.
Yes, and her–
Thank you, Jesus.
Her–Paul is like, “Do you want to go to Steaks and Cakes?” And she’s like, “What’s that?” And everyone is like, “WHAT?”
“You don’t know about STEAKS AND CAKES? UGH.”
Oh, man. I understand why they would say that.
You would think it’s a restaurant, okay–well, it is a restaurant apparently. We looked it up, it does not live up to the Stakes and Cakes of the movie.
Yeah, there–but the set dressing, like, they didn’t seem to have a restaurant available, it looks like it literally was a church kitchen?
Or, like, filmed in someone’s breakfast nook.
Yeah, so like, at first I thought, is this a restaurant chain or something? Or is this like a church potluck type thing called Steaks and Cakes?
Which, that’s legit.
But it was a restaurant.
Where they bring you a, like, 9 x 13 tray, piled high with the same cut of steak forty times over, and also seven whole cakes. And it is the dream, you guys! It is the dream! Like–
No side dishes.
No bread for the table.
There wasn’t even drinks. They all had water, which I’m sure they had to bring themselves. There’s only steaks and cakes at Steaks and Cakes.
And there’s only two tables at Steaks and Cakes, which are entirely filled by this family. And there was, like, maybe one staff person who we never really saw their face, just, like, things appeared. Maybe it was a dream?
I mean, it’s my dream, but.
Is Steaks and Cakes real to the reality of this movie?
Steaks and Cakes was the highlight of the movie.
It was. We missed the entire conversation that they were having because we were just like, “Is this a real place where we can go and eat several steaks also, some cakes?”
Well, at the end of the…whatever she said she, like, didn’t pass the Steaks and Cakes test, because afterward the mom of Paul was like, “She’s hiding something. I don’t know what, but she is hiding something.”
Well, part of how she [indistinguishable] is, the one thing from the conversation that I did catch is that they talk about this, like, mission project in Mexico–
Oh shit, yeah.
–where they’re rebuilding this church that was destroyed from something, I don’t know, we were talking about Steaks and Cakes.
Probably god’s wrath.
Yeah. And they’re like, “Yeah, like, it’s gonna be great. Like, we’re going to re-hang the bell. It’s going to be awesome.” And, metaphors or something, and then she’s like, “Yeah, like, so how long does that take?” And they’re like, “A month.” And she’s like, “You’re going to Mexico for a month and you’ve never mentioned it and you’re leaving in like a week?” And everyone–it’s like super awkward and–
Hastily shove steaks and/or cakes into their mouths.
Yeah, so then his the next day like his mom calls and she’s like, “Well, how was I supposed to know you didn’t tell her you were leaving for an entire month?”
Which, fair point, Mom.
Yes. And then–
Who was the mom? The mom was somebody.
Morgan Fairchild! Yeah.
Who was in Clueless? Was she Cher in Clueless?
Yes, definitely, okay, great.
She played Stephen Tobolowsky in Clueless.
And Pam was Stacey Dash.
And everyone in this movie was in Clueless.
Pam was not Stacey Dash.
I can make jokes, but I’ve never seen Clueless, so….Paul Rudd.
The guy’s name was Paul!!
Aw, the serial killer chalkboard is lighting up, you guys.
Drunk on a Tuesday!
When I say that it makes perfect sense but I realize that, objectively, it does not.
I don’t know what the fuck that is. I was just like, “Welp. Renata.”
You know when you’re like, a serial killer and you have a board, or like– [laughter]
I’m neither a serial killer, and I have never seen a serial killer that has a CHALKBOARD that LIGHTS UP. Chalkboards–most chalkboards: not wired for light and/or sound.
That’s what I realized–That’s a good idea though. Um, no, okay, let me–
[hysterical laughter for several minutes now]
[inaudible due to laughter]
This is our drunk post-election podcast episode?
We we’re so sad and now we’re just so drunk.
How you guys doing? Let’s just ignore this movie, let’s just check in with everybody. How you guys doing?
Call Delilah for dedications. Um, oh my god no, okay, so if you are like a cop and you’re trying to catch a serial killer–
Do you mean like, the red string board with the all the pins?
Oh! I get it–
It’s not a blackboard, normally. Nor does the serial killer have it, it’s the cops. You gotta watch a few more episodes of Criminal Minds you want to step into this house and play.
Yes, yes. “Serial Killer” is the adjective.
Can we diagram this sentence? Hang on. We will post it on the link dump.
I just keep thinking, “CAROL??”
I don’t even go there.
I know, but it’s so good. That’s the one thing you did right, Always Sunny. You did that one episode where Charlie Day is trying to figure out who Carol is.
Um, okay, but, so you have that board with all–like I often think of my mind as being like one of those boards because I’m always making stupid ass connections and, like, when I–like, in my brain it like, lights up–
And sometimes the Stephen Tobolowsky pin starts pinging FOR NO REASON, he’s not in Clueless!
It’s not a good board!
I had to, like, hack it to make it light up and it just, like…it’s not good.
So they go to Mexico.
So they–the family goes to Mexico.
The family goes to Mexico.
She is all like, “Oh, I’m so sad that my boyfriend’s in Mexico and pissed that he didn’t tell me–”
And also–yeah, “we’re in a fight” not even “so sad.” We’re in a fight now.
And her friend Pam–
And they’re broken up, also? No, no, no, you’re right they’re just in a fight.
Yeah. And her friend Pam keeps being like, “Why the fuck–”
Her friend Pam from work, which is different from her Mean Girls friends.
This is her friend Pam from work who is the one black person in this film for most of the film.
And they inexplicably only dress her in neutrals.
Yeah, it’s very…
It is very–she just wears the same suit like three times
All of the office scenes, I feel like they shot them all within the same, like, 30 minutes and then spliced them up. And like in between they’d be like, “Okay, everyone change your tie. We don’t have time or a full costume change. You just change your blazer but keep your shirt.
It was very weird. It was so weird.
But Pam was like, “Why are you on this site? Like, it’s for Christians to find other Christians. Like, you’re pulling one over on this kid. Well, you’re an asshole.” Also, meanwhile, I guess she hasn’t been doing any actual work at her job? So when the baldness Guy Fieri–
Lying about being Christian is a full-time commitment.
She’s not even doing it good!
This is how I do all my jobs, so it’s fine.
When Guy Fieri’s bald cousin comes back and he’s like, “So what–what are your plans for my baldness pill?” She like, literally, is like, “Oh, I have a million!” and opens her empty notebook and like makes up two shitty plans off the top of her head.
One of which is “guns.” The other one is “Jesus.”
One is, “We”ll call your product Bullet” and the other is, “We’ll call your product Heaven’s Rain.”
And then she dumps the bottle of pills over Stephen Tobolowsky’s head, which seemed important.
But, obviously, like, they think those are shitty. And they’re mad at her for not doing a good job at her job. And she’s mad at her boyfriend and doesn’t know what she’s doing in her life. And her friend Pam is like, “Maybe you should focus on getting your shit together.” And then her boyfriend calls from Mexico and says, “I think you should come here to Mexico.”
She’s like, “That sounds like the better idea, Pam, peace playa.”
Yeah, like, literally leaves that day for Mexico, despite knowing it’s a mission trip, for–
Building a church, because it’s been discussed at Steaks and Cakes, yes.
She’s only packed like sundresses, flip-flops, and sun hats. Yeah, so everyone else is in their mission khakis and matching t-shirts. And she’s in, like, very cute, but inappropriate sundresses. She doesn’t fit in well with all the other good Christian women and her–the mom, Paul’s mom still doesn’t like her. So when they’re doing their, like, catechism lessons for the mission children a little girl named Maria asks a question and she’s like, “I think that Gwyneth should answer this question.”
Asks a question in Spanish. When the mom is only communicating in English.
Somehow, miraculously, she understands, but does not deign to speak Spanish to this child. And then is like, “Gwyneth, why don’t you answer this question?” and Gwyneth is like, “I don’t…know Spanish?”
And the question is, “Why does God let bad things happen?”
Which is, like, chapter one in Christianity for Dummies! It’ like the first thing you ask any Christian when you’re a non-believer!
It’s the question we’re all asking right now.
I’m out of…Straw-Ber-Rita.
Sorry guys, too real, too real.
So she like, fumbles it, and everyone else is super judgey and they have to, like, swoop in and rescue her. And it didn’t–
And then, like, Kelly [her boyfriend’s BFF who is in love with him] answers a question in, like, very white Spanish.
And, I don’t know, something happens and they find her Christianity for Dummies book, which she brought with her–
Because she was running late. And so–
Is that what happened? I stopped paying attention.
–to find an outfit she, like opened her suitcase, dumped the entire thing out instead of just, like, grabbing whatever’s on top, so then, like, Christian Mingle for Dum–, or Christianity for Dummies–
Christian Mingle for Dummies!
Christian Mingle for Dummies is just like, a music video.
“Step one, lie about being Christian. Get you a Good Christian boy.”
“Step three: Steaks and Cakes.”
Oh god, I need this book! Or steak. Or cakes.
So, he confronts her about being Christian. And she’s like, “Yeah, okay, so I really wasn’t Christian. I lied. But hey! Like, we met each other, and we really like each other!”
For some reason.
And, like, “Jesus is pretty great, I’m discovering!” And he’s like, so hurt. They have, like, the most weird, slow-motion, no emotion argument/breakup. Where, like, they’re very clearly talking about how she lied to him and completely fabricated her entire background. But no one’s really mad. They’re just having, like, a normal conversation between two people. And then, at the end–
They’re not mad, they’re just disappointed.
He’s just kind of like, “Yeah, like, I’m really hurt. And I think that, you know, I need to think about this.” And she’s like, “Yeah, wow, like, that sucks. I guess I’ll see you later.”
“I guess I flew to Mexico for you for nothing.”
By the way, they never specify where in Mexico it is. Anything at all beyond “Mexico.”
Because all of Mexico is the same.
You put that donkey in the background, you know it’s Mexico.
So she goes back to…LA, or wherever the fuck she is. Suburban Los Angeles.
Yeah, where were they though? Because he had like a southern accent?
I didn’t notice him having an accent.
He had some kind of something.
I didn’t really notice it either.
He’s had a very strong non-regional dialect, in fact.
He talked weird.
He talked like a newscaster.
You’re from the Midwest. I’m sorry. You talk weird.
Whoa. Let’s dial this back y’all.
They’re from, like, Generic Southern California. That’s never really specified. So she goes back to Generic Southern California and tells Pam, and Pam’s like, “Well, because you fucking lied about being Christian. Like, you’re dumb.” And while she’s sad and wandering the streets also, Corbin Bernsen, who directed the movie, is–
And wrote it.
And WROTE IT? Oh my god, Corbin Bernsen. Like, I know Psych is over–I know Psych is over, but you gotta find something else to fill your days.
Create the J-Date movie, bro.
So betrayed right now.
Write the Tinder movie.
Oh my god.
He’s like her bike–her bike–
Her Christian bike shop!
Yeah, her bike breaks every goddamn day and–
We never see her ride a bike do we?
No, we do a lot. We do.
That’s true, she has the laptop in the basket.
We do, which is why I don’t think she lives in LA because there’s like one car there.
Well, I don’t think it’s LA itself, it’s like, generic suburban Southern California. But yeah, so she–like he’s a good Christian and he, like, fell in love with his wife in high school and she died, but, like, Jesus Yay.
He also plays the Christian Mingle commercial in his bike shop.
I mean, I guess it just happened to be on TV, but also why is there a TV in your bike shop?
How many bikes do you have to fix in LA?
Well, working on bikes in LA, and….
Don’t you know about podcasts, bro? Come on.
No. They don’t even know about side dishes! Get the Midwest over there!
Plus, the only places she goes are the bike shop all the time, her work, her apartment, which is above the clock watch shop?
Which we really were waiting to be a bigger contender than it was, which was not a contender at all.
Yeah, it could–you could have done something metaphorical there, but nope.
It was just always there with the lights always on matter what time it was.
Not a good business model.
So, she’s, like, sad wandering around generic Southern California and sees a strip mall Black church with like, “Everyone is welcome” written on the door, so she goes in. They could not even get enough Black people in this movie to fill the Black church. It is half Black people, half punky looking white people, and half just regular white people.
That’s three halves, but okay.
Her–her serial killer board is not good at fractions. Okay?
And so, like, she discovers Jesus, and she’s, like, she actually does care about Jesus. At one point, before that she goes to throw away her Bible and, um–
In her Oscar the Grouch trashcan.
–her Christianity for Dummies book in like, yeah, an Oscar the Grouch trashcan. It is an aluminum can with a top.
In her kitchen.
And there’s no bag in it, either.
And no other trash. It was just there–that’s her Bible Trashcan.
It’s just there for her roommate, Oscar the Grouch. I looked up Christian Mingle: The Movie on IMDB to see if it says where it’s set, and other questions. And there’s one goof listed. And the goof is, “Gwyneth says a prayer thanking God for bringing ‘Paul and I together.’ It should be ‘Paul and me.'”
Oh my God.
Thank you for that important goof that–I can’t believe we failed to mention that, actually, before. They give the most important problem with this movie.
So, she eventually, after, you know finding Jesus, and, like, finding out that Pam is actually is also a Christian! But, like, she never knew because Pam dresses so normal and doesn’t wear a cross! And–
You know what?
–doesn’t talk about Jesus all the time!
But, hold up, though, because Pam only wears beige. And Gwyneth thinks that Christians only wear beige.
Yeah, that was the big sign she should have realized.
She should have–she should have put it together.
She should have understood.
And she learns that she can be Christian and still be herself and wear her weird sweater–blanket sweaters and, like, her colored–multicolored tights and high heels. And, like, she can still love Jesus! So she goes to find Paul and finds that, in the meantime, he has gotten together with his best friend who was in love with him, Kelly. And she’s like, “Oh, great, excellent, wonderful. I found Jesus. Ah…great.” And she asks to meet with Paul privately later for coffee. And she tells him like, “Look, I think that you play it too safe. Like, obviously we’re broken up. And I don’t care about that. But, like, you don’t do anything exciting. Like, you’re dating this girl who I know you don’t even like, because we had a conversation about it. And you told me you don’t even like her. Like, dude, do something with your life.” And he’s like, “I’m so offended. I never want to see you again.” And…
Said to her twice, “I’ll pray for you,” which is the real shut off.
Oh, shit, girl.
So she’s real sad. And, I don’t know, something happens that gives her an epiphany that what she really needs to do is quit her job, which she finds unfulfilling, and move down to the Mexican village where they built the church to teach school. So she does.
She does not speak Spanish.
No. I mean, she speaks a little bit more than she did. But she still, like, needs to make the kids speak in English.
She’s like, “No, say it in English?”
Oh! You know, I was gonna say, “And is she even a qualified teacher?” And then I remembered she is, because at some point she revealed that she went to school to become a teacher. And then she couldn’t find a job as a teacher, so she started working in advertising? Which, I just feel like there are more teaching jobs available than advertising?
These Americans, coming to Mexico stealing all the jobs.
So while she’s, like, teaching, and the girl–oh, that’s what happens! Maria, the girl who asked her why God does bad things to good people, writes her a letter.
And says, “Thank you so much for helping to build our church. It’s beautiful. God is great. Thanks for teaching me about him. Here’s a picture.” And she realizes, looking at the picture, that her true calling in life is to go teach school to these poor Mexican children.
And she does that. And then somebody–when she’s teaching, another kid runs in and says like, “Oh, like, you have to come to the church right now!” So she does. And Paul is there and his hair’s a little ruffled, and his shirt is unbuttoned. Like he’s wearing like a flannel shirt over a t-shirt. So clearly, he’s mellowed out.
And he admits that, like, he’s always been in love with her, and God wants them to be together or something. And they are in love. The end.
And then in the credits, he proposes to her.
Yes. In–the movie started with, like, pictures of Christian Mingle couples proposing to each other. So it ends with a picture of him proposing to her.
Let’s break down the credit sequence. Because it’s like–we’re kissing in this Mexican church, credits roll. The main cast la–names get listed, then all of a sudden, we’re back in the movie, and the voiceover comes back, which is like, let’s not do that. And they’re sitting on a couch. And she’s like, making fun of how he’s probably going bald.
Yes. And then we thought she was gonna–we thought she was gonna mention those baldness pills, but she doesn’t.
She was just kinda just, you know, like, “Remember how that was a plot point that we didn’t wrap up? In case you forgot, let’s bring it back for you.” Credits come back again.
And then after that it pops up again, and that’s when he’s proposing to her.
And then, after ALL of the credits end, there’s a random cut to two of the extras in the Mexican scene.
Yeah, waving and saying Adios.
So that was the whole movie.
Then Ferris Bueller shows up….
And then Nick Fury comes to recruit the little Mexican girl.
So much better.
So this is what you’ve done to us with your money.
Yeah, great job.
Yeah, like I–I just, like, I’m just so confused still, because he’s so bland. And they have no chemistry and don’t seem to like each other. And like, I guess I assumed it would be more like, like, she meets this great guy! And, you know, he’s wonderful and sweeps her off her feet! She has to lie about being Christian. But no, that’s not really what happened at all.
Like, they keep being like, making jokes? And they, like, the other person laughs at them? But they’re jokes that, like, my seven year old nephew would just, like, give me side-eye if I made them at him. Because they were not funny. And they’re like, “Oh, it’s so cute! You’re so funny!” And it’s like, you’re just boring people.
Yeah, almost anytime a character has to say, “You’re so funny!” it’s like–oh, no, they’re like–if you’re actually funny, you don’t have to label it. People just know.
What was the knock knock joke she told? That he was like, “Oh my God. That’s so cute!” She was like, “Knock knock. Who’s there? Heaven, like, haven’t you missed me” or something like that?
And he was like, “[fake laughter] Let’s get married!”
Oh no, let’s get steaks and cakes.
By the way, there is a fine, fine Midwestern chain called Steak and Shake. Which, when–I really want to go there now. But I can’t. And I can’t–
Hashtag you live here now.
I know. I can’t go Steaks and Cakes either.
I mean, would you want to go to Steaks and Cakes?
Yeah. I feel like you could only–
Well, just for cake! I could eat a whole cake!
We’d get you the cake shaped like a steak.
You guys, what if Lex Luthor went to Steaks and Cakes?
That’s a real deep cut.
That would be terrible!
Forty steaks and forty cakes?! That’s the dream.
We’ll link to it if you don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.
Oh my god. Get on tumblr.
If that’s not lighting up your chalkboard.
So this movie was terrible, like not even by terrible movie standards enjoyable. It was just so boring. And so dumb. And only our friend Straw-Ber-Rita got us through it.
Yeah, like I thought it would be, like, cringey, and I thought I was gonna be, like, cringing on behalf of like, Corbin Bernsen, I guess, but it was mostly cringing on behalf of the characters. Like, it was so uncomfortable. They were all so unhappy. Except for Pam.
Pam was sitting here, she knew what she was about. It was fine.
Yeah, I want to watch the Pam spin off
Pam doing her work and fucking Gwyneth’s work, cause Gwyneth is too busy learning how to be Christian to do her job.
She’s like, “I guess I’ll just write this whole campaign.”
They only had one client.
And then she saves the world’s men from baldness.
Yeah, it seems like they only had one client. And like weeks.
And she did nothing.
And there were, inexplicably at that office, like, two white dudes who looked like, almost identical where they both have, like, the same mustache a 13 year old boy would grow. And both wore like Argyle sweaters and it was just never explained. It was like, “Did two awkward brothers just go into advertising together?”
Listen, God works in mysterious ways.
Which one of them was Jesus?
Pam was Jesus.
That’s true. That is true.
Yeah, it was–I’m still not sure what the takeaway is, if the takeaway is supposed to be, “Anyone, even cool people, can be Christian.” Or…
I think it was supposed to be like, “Just be yourself!” But that’s not…what it was.
“Be yourself, but Christian.”
Yeah. I will say–
The Christian version of yourself.
I will say, when we were sort of talking about watching this, back when I was sober–not like, not like in my life. Like, temporarily sober–I was a little worried that, like, given the political climate and, like, whatever, that we would come away just, like, “God, like, the–you know, The Christian Right! Like, bleah,” and I don’t–I’m not, like, angry? Because it wasn’t even coherent. Do you know what I mean? Like, I didn’t feel like this was a movie that was….
It never–it never felt condemning of other lifestyles, more just like, “But Christianity is the path to happiness!”
Do we have any other thoughts on this?
Don’t–don’t watch it. Don’t watch it.
Also, get a new sponsor, Worst Bestsellers.
Can we like–like can we close the book on this? On the Christian Mingle joke?
I mean, I’m–I feel like we fulfilled our duty.
To Christian Mingle?
Maybe that should be, like, we should take suggestions for, like, “What should our new ironic sponsor be?”
Tweet us your suggestions, guys.
We’ll have to make a new header for Twitter.
I have–I have the header we use for Patreon.
That one doesn’t say ChristianMingle?
Important shop talk.
Important–[laughter] Guys, we–like Gwyneth, we work in advertising, but we’re not good at it, so. We’re gonna get fired by Stephen Tobolowsky. But she never got fired, I think she should have.
They never really explained the whole admiral thing–there was a lot, there was a lot in this movie that was just kind of left dangling.
Wait, do you think he was a Scientologist? Because of–because L. Ron Hubbard was an admiral and he would dress like an admiral. And that’s why she had to leave to become Christian? I’m going with that.
This is clearly–
I think it’s probably a stronger reference to be like, “Oh, she’s AT SEA.” [gasp]
This is not lighting up Becca’s serial killer board at all. I can see it in her eyes
She didn’t read Going Clear.
I didn’t read any of the Scientology books because I don’t like you guys that much, to be honest.
Going Clear is actually really good.
We’re not Scientologists.
That’s fine. I’m still not gonna read it.
Well, I guess you’re the one who’s out to sea. You suppressive person.
I’m not gonna edit that joke out so everyone can just hear the dead silence that followed it. Usually when your jokes don’t land, I cut them out for your sake, but, nope, I’m keeping it
How dare you Becca? All my jokes land all the time.
I could make a supercut that would disagree with that.
Any other thoughts?
No, now people are gonna be like, “Oh fuck, this is the stuff they kept?”
They should know what they’re supporting. No, no thoughts.
Well, thank you Patreon supporters for giving us money every month so that we could afford the Stra-Ber-Rita’s and burritos that we ate while subjecting ourselves to this movie.
Oh shit, we should have Instagramed them or something–well, we ate them like IMMEDIATELY.
Yeah, like, I don’t even think the opening credits were done, and we were like, “Thanks for these burritos.”
Thank you, Lord.
You guys know what burritos look like, though. Unless you live in Chris Harrison’s romance novel.
Then maybe you don’t. But, probably…you know what a burrito is.
Thanks to Becca for…being in the house. And watching this.
Thanks to Becca for shutting down my jokes.
It’s what I do. Thanks to steaks and also cakes for assisting.
If, uh–new Patreon goal: if you pledge, like, $10,000 a month we will totally open our–the first Steaks and Cakes franchise.
I think $10,000 a month is the Ruthless.com goal.
If you pledge $12,000 a month, we will open the first Steaks and Cakes franchise.
Steaks and Cakes is a franchise, though, didn’t we just establish this? That it’s a real restaurants that exist everywhere?
Well that’s what I’m saying, we would open our own franchise.
Oh, open our own?
Here? But it’s not as good, it’s not the Steaks and Cakes from the movie.
Well, we can make it whatever we want.
I don’t think so. There’s probably a book that comes when you open a franchise.
It’ll be–it’ll be just like in Fresh Off the Boat when he steals the franchise book for the other steak house and then opens his own steak house instead.
Just like that.
Just like that, but with cakes!
But with cakes!
But with cakes, as well, and no side dishes.
[Outro music plays]
If only we had known, we should have themed our food differently. To cake.
God, why didn’t we eat steaks and cakes?!
That part was not mentioned in the Wikipedia entry!
Transcribed by https://otter.ai (and Kait)