Can We Talk About the Breaking Dawn Trailer?

You guys. I can’t tell you how excited/appalled I am for the Breaking Dawn movie (part 1!) to come out. I am not a fan of Twilight per se, but I did slog through all four books and I do love talking about them. (I always preemptively clarify that I read them while I was in the Peace Corps. I find that this cuts off judgment. Oh, what, you haven’t read all four Twilight books? Yeah, I read them… while I was saving babies* in a developing nation, NBD.)

Anyway, so, I’d read all four books. (Note: in case it’s not clear, this post will contain spoilers for Breaking Dawn.) Then after the first movie, lots of people were talking about Twilight. Specifically, lots of people were talking about how effed-up Twilight is. I’m not going to go too in-depth about that; I feel like other blogs have already talked about how effed-up Twilight is better than I could hope to do. But for a few years now, my party trick has been to say, “Yeah, sure, Twilight is messed up, but do you know what happens in the fourth book? Can I tell you?” And then I tell them and revel in their horrified stares and their adorable insistence that I am making it up. But no, my friends, I am not capable of making up the atrocities of Breaking Dawn. Only Stephenie Meyer is.

Now that the movie is approaching, I feel the way a friend of mine feels about Scientology. For a long time, her party trick was to explain all the hilarious details of Scientology (“And there’s an alien lord named Xenu–yeah, seriously–“) But now South Park and everyone else have made fun of Scientology. It’s old hat. Everyone knows how crazy Scientology is. And soon, everyone will know how crazy Breaking Dawn is.


Anyway, the trailer. In case you have not seen it (or would simply like to revisit it), here it is:

So, first of all: the first minute of this trailer is mail getting delivered. Was this movie sponsored by the U. S. Post Office? This perfectly encapsulates how simultaneously appalling and boring I find the entire Twilight saga.

Second of all: “No measure of time with you will be long enough. But we’ll start with forever.” Edward, that is meaningless, but I will give you a pass because everything you say is either meaningless or offensive.

Also, can we talk about how Bella does not look at all pregnant when she starts freaking out? I mean, I know her pregnancy was all super vampire fast and everything, but I feel like that scene is just going to trigger some eating disorders. I guess it’s more visually compelling than a scene of her looking at a pregnancy test or something.

In conclusion, as is true with all things Twilight, the best part of this trailer is Charlie Swan. Play the trailer back and just watch his reaction to the wedding invite (It’s at 0:26.) Thank you, Charlie, for saying what we’re all feeling.

* Number of babies personally saved by me during my two years in the Peace Corps: zero. But whatever, how many babies have you saved? The most important thing to remember is: none of us are as bad of people as Bella Swan. She is the worst person.

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