Movie Review: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

Dawn Done Broke

So! I saw the Breaking Dawn movie. As is true of the entire series of Twilight movies, this one was faster-paced and wittier than the book. However, the book is a horribly clunky monstrosity, so I’m not saying too much. Still, which would you rather have: book Bella’s whiny internal monologue about how everyone will think she’s pregnant since she’s getting married, or movie Jessica’s bitchy whispered “Do you think she’ll be showing?”

I know, Jessica, it’s a total shame that you did not have more lines in this movie

Jessica’s drunk toast was also amazing. Actually, all of the toast were amazing, except for Edward’s. The problem with Twilight is that Bella and Edward are the very worst, most boring characters, and yet tragically they are the protagonists. Sigh.

Anyway, their bed-breaking honeymoon was pretty much exactly as horrifying as I hoped it would be. I also felt that their horrified maid was a perfect avatar for the audience. Seriously, what even?!

Then blah blah blah Bella is pro-life, her whole gross pregnancy was boring and gross. Not enough Jasper. Not nearly enough Jasper. Come on. Jasper is the dude who will pounce you if you get a paper cut, the dude who mysteriously sometimes has a Southern accent, the dude who was some kind of Civil War vampire cowboy, the dude whose face always looks like this…


… and yet the movie focuses on Edward, who spent his free time as a vampire learning every human language and watching Bella Swan sleep. What-ever.

Oh, also, I liked how in the movie all the other characters acknowledge that “Renesmee” is the dumbest possible name for a baby. I also give props to the movie for showing that Jacob pictures Renesmee as an adult when he falls in love with her. That makes the whole imprinting thing less creepy, right? Or, wait, more creepy? I just don’t know.

In conclusion, Breaking Dawn Part 1 did the best it could with its source material.