:: The Optic Monologues ::

:: Wednesday, May 22, 2002 ::

*flail* it's cute. i need some quizzes on here. my blog needs more color.

i never tire of mozart. ever. i have a video of porgy and bess that i want to watch. but i can't force myself away from the computer.

so, the miracle worker performances are going to be on the weekend i leave for school. so. that really sucks.

oh, and pearson is teaching a theatre crew class this summer for college credit. that i desperately need to take. how much you wanna bet it will overlap my Comp class?
:: Delanor Benson 4:04 AM [+] ::

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:: Tuesday, May 21, 2002 ::

oh. i didn't mention The Peacock Incident.

ok. so i'm driving to princeton. nothing unusual. suddenly i see a big bird strutting around on the edge of the road...... and this road has no shoulders....... a fuckin' peacock. a fully grown male peacock strutting around on the edge of a highway. no, he didn't have his tail up. it was down. anyway. so i start worrying about it. it was a gorgeous bird (iridescant blue-purple-green) and i really didn't want the stupid thing to get hit by a car. so i turn around and go back past it again. i pull over near it (and i can't go far off the road, lest my car sail away.......), so my car is a foot from the yellow line. which is probably a bit upsetting to the passing traffic. it's a narrow two-lane road with about 20 feet of grass on each side, then forest. i hop out of my car and walk after it. it hobbles away. the passing cars and trucks cannot see the bird because of the tall grass, so i look like a sped. i throw a stick and it flaps across the river..... i mean drainage ditch...... into the woods. dumb bird. so i turn around...... and there's a fuckin' cop pulling to the other shoulder. with her lights on. and she asks me if i'm ok. and i want to tell her why i hopped out of my car on highway 41 and started throwing sticks into the woods, but there are trucks and shit passing by, so i'm just like "yeah....... um.... yeah! i'm good! i'm ok! yeah! yeah! i'm fiiiiine!". and BOTH LANES of traffic are stopped and are staring. i guess they thought...... um..... i don't know what they thought. cop with lights on one side, car on the other, and random girl flailing. i make my "nothin' to see here folks! carry on!" gesture and depart.

stupid fuckin' peacocks.
:: Delanor Benson 2:45 AM [+] ::

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:: Monday, May 20, 2002 ::

so apparently our fearless leader said "nuculer" instead of "nuclear" on TV. maybe i'm a political idealist, but if you're the leader of the free world, and you can't pronounce it, you probably shouldn't do it.

however tragical, i know that humans and fish can coexist peacefully.

i hate popup ads that won't go away. and then they freeze your computer.

i can't wait until DCI@Indy. seriously. it's the event of my summer. The summer music games cream my boat. or float my jeans. i'm investing in some DVDs when i get my birthday money.

i really want to add more images, since i unearthed a NEW digital camera that dad got as a gift and forgot to open it. *eyeroll* but CuteFTP's trial's run out, and i'm too lazy to re-dl it.

i heart my new come what may sheet music. 'cause i can remember how to play better than i thought. the treble line is really uninventive, but the bass makes up for it.
:: Delanor Benson 11:59 PM [+] ::

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:: Sunday, May 19, 2002 ::

lengthy rant ahead. omg, yes, i'm going to rant in my blog for once instead of doing it in my private LJ.

i just love it when 'friends' make fun of me behind my back about certain physical setbacks of the upper extremity. i have no room to complain, because i would have done the same in high school. i guess this is the price i pay for hanging out with high schoolers. not a cut on them..... i love 'em. but i wish i had just ONE friend that could match me in maturity. because i feel so old. i was stupid to believe they'd have some respect. i don't deserve it at all. like, at least if they did it to my face i could hate them and it wouldn't get to me. but it does anyway. and it's also my fault, because i tell people i don't care. but a real friend would know to still be sensitive about it and not bring it up all the time. they would also know not to scream about it in a room full of friends and strangers, so they all stare at me and i get so fucking humiliated i want to fucking die.

i also think it's super-keen when i make a cry for help (not reeeally for help...... just wanting to talk....) so clearly shown, that it's less than a millimeter from saying "hey, can i talk to you about something that's feasting on my soul?" and they totally ignore it. it feels great! and i won't ask for it. i will not. ever ever ever. because no one EVER asks how i feel, are you ok, is something bothering you, or how i am.. other than in passing, and i don't generally reveal my innermost feelings in passing. in real life..... my online friends at least make an effort to pretend to be sympathetic... which could make me a loser.....:) no one ever presses. like, i'm crying in a corner and someone says "are you ok?" and i say "i'm fine....." and they just accept that and walk away. that, to me, says they don't really care. i mean, maybe it's because i don't seem approachable at all, and partly because i resist at first. (didn't i saaaay that all my problems come straight back to me?) maybe people gave up trying to get close to me because i wouldn't ever let anyone. even now i'd only let a few select people do so. but no one ever really tried very hard to begin with. which comes off, to me, as apathy. my friends *know* when to press and when to leave me alone. i know they do. i can tell how much tact people posess. because i say 'leave me alone' when i'm not in the mood to talk. maybe i used to say that too much. but now they just never ask. like i said..... i know when to press and when to leave. maybe i'm naiive to expect other people to know which to use on what occasion. and i don't expect everyone to know. but there are a very few people around that know what it's like to be me quite well, and i've never even opened up to them at all. they understand. and i appreciate that. but even they don't seem to try. even though i do try when they need to talk. i listen all the time. if i'm so intimidating, heartless*, and unapproachable, then why do people seek my advice? hee...... maybe because i give it so often when it's not requested. so what. i give good advice. :) it's like a hobby. maybe i'm asking too much of them. but i'll never come out and ask for help. it's not in my character.

*contrary to popular belief, i am not proud of the fact that i try to hurt people when they hurt me. i'm not proud that my instinct is to attack. my reflex, when attacked or hurt, is to strike back hard. and to cry. i don't even always realize i do it. when i really let people get to me, my instinct is that of a wild animal. to kill the attacker. or at least wound it badly enough so that it can limp away and leave me alone. i can push buttons. i wish i didn't have such a knack for knowing everyone's weak spot so well. i wish i didn't have the overwhelming urge to take a jab at it when i'm angry. not *always* right away...... sometimes later when i get to think about it. i see red and my blood boils. i can't control my temper. when people annoy me or make fun of me, i get this boiling feeling inside, and if i don't *say* something, i'll punch someone or cry or something. and even if i manage to control myself, it seriously comes back. like, the person could say something totally innocent hours later and i'll say something far too honest out of nowhere. i barely have time to cultivate the thought before it leaps out of my mouth. and when people attack my friends, i don't hesitate. i go right for the jugular. i always regret it. i'm not trying to excuse my actions here. i don't condone revenge or attack or violence or anything that i do. i avoid talking about what i believe in, because i do the very opposite. i had chicken today. and it was good. i guess that robs me of any credit my words could have. so i try not to bring it up. am i proud of being a HUGE hypocrite? i'm not proud of any aspect of myself, really, but especially of that. my reason is as sharp as my will is weak.
:: Delanor Benson 6:20 AM [+] ::

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my eyebrows are getting bushy. i haaate that. i need to bust out my hedge clippers and do some trimming. and my 'stache is coming back too. i'm so vain. i bet i think this blog is about me. wow. this is a huge mood swing.

boob. ok. so. this needs to be cleared up for certain people. i got really upset this week. i usually just say it makes me unique. that asymmetry is more pleasing to the eye. all true, but it's uncomfortable and i don't like being a freak that people gossip about. i don't like people pointing and whispering. i'd much rather they say it to my face so i could tell them to go eat a cock sandwich and get over it. but it makes me feel completely shitty. i don't want to be the butt of every joke like Doug. which is why i never told anyone. but i was tired of keeping such a stupid secret that i know should be no biggie among the mature. like, if i actually hung out with people that had an ounce of maturity, it wouldn't be such a big deal. it would just be a casual joke IN MY PRESENCE. it wouldn't be a big deal to me if people didn't make it that way. i shouldn't let people get to me. but as much i pretend i'm above that, i'm not. people saying they "experienced it". that's so fucking juvenile and degrading. that's one of those things that makes me so angry i could just let the floodgates open and pummel someone. and i could deal with it for now, but not for my whole life. however long that may be. i just can't. sooo i looked at the options my doctor gave me ages ago. i've always been opposed to an implant.... it would always look different. feel different. and i don't want something foreign like that in my body. for a purely vain reason, no less. well, not totally vain. it's uncomfortable, and is likely to cause a spine curve if i don't wear this blasted fake boobie in my bra. the procedure is incredibly painful...... so not worth it. i'm a pussy. plus, even though insurance would pay for most of it, we don't really have the money to spare with me in college. like.... i'd rather have a big cement giraffe. :) soooo the other option is to have the other reduced to the same size as the smaller. but it's perfect! i liiiiike having seemingly-great tits. so i thought maybe i could compromise and have them taaaake some out of the *big* breast, and put it in the other to even it out. *giggle* this is so fuckin' funny. but i don't think such a procedure exists. so i'm stuck being the way i am. but hey. asymmetry is so much more pleasing to the eye. :)

L.Bernstein is so great. i got Come What May piano sheet music the other day. i never practice piano anymore. it's so sad. i could be good if i tried. story of my life. but i value sleep so much.....

must get euph lessons this summer. MUST.

Which Kiss Are You?

i didn't have to take a quiz to know that.

rick, i'm listening to 10th Anniversary too. Valjean's Soliloquy. my favorite is Epilogue. but One Day more is my favorite song. but only on the original b'way recording.
:: Delanor Benson 6:05 AM [+] ::

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