:: The Optic Monologues ::

:: Wednesday, January 30, 2002 ::

Ok, so............ I HATE everyone at this school. I'm seriously getting frustrated. What do I have to do to get out of this sane asylum? *hee hee*...........
So, chucks aren't the greatest thing for the rain. Not exactly water repellant. I love rain. I just hope it never stops.
I have mooooney in my account now! I'm thrilled........ I can eat! I'm ordering pizza here in awhile..... after I find my keys....... *fumbles* I feel like a dork, because you have to use a key to get into my building, and I have to knock on the door to get in, seeing as how my keys disappeared. AAAAAAAAAAAA.............. oh.......... my......... god........ I just remembered.... I left my hitter in my little keychain-wallet-thingie.......... shit shit shit. And it's been used. I just hope I didn't drop them. They HAVE to be in my room...... *clears throat* anyway....... the same girl has been sitting in the lounge all day, and she's had to let me in 3 times. None too happy. So now I just linger outside the door and wait for someone to walk through/by.
I found them. Ok, so I ripped the whole room (more) apart looking for the damn keys. And I look down, lift a bag, and there they are. I don't understand. Sometimes I seriously think some little gnome or something is toying with my sanity. I always have an odd numner of socks. I'll leave something downstairs, and in the morning it's on the chair in my locked room. I'll look EVERYWHERE for something, and then I'll walk by, like, an empty table, and it's just SITTING there. Right. Damned gnomes and all their evil tricks. Constant Vigilance.
I think I'm going to go rent some movies. I heard Can't Fight The Moonlight, and now have an uncontrollable urge to weild bottles of hard liquor and table dance. Coyote Ugly. I need a drama too........... time to go pay my late fee at Family Video.

Listening To: Living Dead Girl - Rob Zombie
Mood: Paranoid and bitter. Per usual.
:: Delanor Benson 6:53 PM [+] ::
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Amusing Quiz Questions:
Do you often see giant beasts of Shadow and Flame running around the kitchen at night?
Yeah, my mom..........
Are you a mysterious Ranger, who very much enjoys STRIDING places much like a STRIDER?
hee hee........
Do you often prance around forests, etcetera, your ears superglued to a point, singing in strange tongues and attempting to convince the trees you're an Elven Being?
hell yeah, and I do it with asexual jewelry and a unitard too, yo.

I'm Rivendell!

I would stay in Rivendell where I would hide away from the rest of the world and often attack visitors and relatives with mighty floods in the shape of horses, or at least computer graphics. But everyone would like me anyway (naturally) because I have good taste in decorating.

Click here to find out where you would live

Sooooooo........ does this mean I get to wear pretty asexual jewelry and live under the rule of Boy George.... I mean...... Elrond? Sa-weeeet.

I'm Frodo Baggins!

I am Frodo Baggins the Hobbit. I am very hobbity and carry Mr. T style jewelery on a chain around my neck, or in my pocket. I am not sad enough to wear it all the time.

Click here to find out which character you are!

Dammit. I want to be Samwise. Oh, well. I am anyway. *looks terrified*

I'm Elf!

I am an Elf, like Legolas or Arwen. I prance around in forests and am at one with nature. I also have malformed ears and people give me funny looks.

Click here to find out which species you are!

Again with the asexual jewelry and unitard...........

:: Delanor Benson 6:24 PM [+] ::
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*blink blink* ok..................... I'm not Ted Bundy. Really. Honest. I'm Charles Manson. Kidding again! Fooled you, didn't I?
This is a tad sadistic and disturbing......

WHICH SERIAL KILLER ARE YOU? find out at: slitmyfuckingthroat.cjb.net



:: Delanor Benson 2:07 AM [+] ::
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Darth Vader
Tall, powerful, and the darkest of the dark. You've got armies, fleets, and the dark side of the Force wrapped around your little finger, but you still have a soft spot for that little wuss you call "son." How sweet.

Take the Imperial Test at Bucketheads!

um....... I'm not really all about the empire or anything, but if I was to be anyone, I'd want to be Darth. Anakin. Whatever.
:: Delanor Benson 1:50 AM [+] ::
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My login isn't janelane007 for nothin'. I haven't seen Daria is ages..... I don't even know when it's on. Beep beep, it's the soul train. Everyone on board.

Listening To: Prodigy. Totally random.........
Mood: Preoccupied and stressed. And a bit squishy.
:: Delanor Benson 8:03 PM [+] ::
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Hopefully if I post, the goddamn convo with Rick will disappear.
I'm trying to download the Spiderman trailer. Only because that upside-down-kiss-in-the-rain-with-a-mysterious-masked-super-hero is........ hoooot. Edit: I just realized that says hoot. I meant to do that. It was a seductive hoot. really.
The Shining is on the university movie channel. I don't really see what's so great about it, but whatever. I think you have to watch movies more than once to fully understand it anyway. Redrum. I think I might go downstairs and write that one Emily's door in lipstick. Heeeeeeere's Johnny!
Psych was ok........ I was half asleep the whole time. I have to fill out a huge questionaire.
The weather is bee-yoo-tiful. you have no idea. I love it when it's all grey and chilly. Lots of rain. The sun should just stay behind the clouds forever. *sigh* Makes me want to curl up with Harry Potter instead of homework.
I wish I had a dog or something to keep me company around here. I talk to myself too much. I never talk period. I go a whole day without talking. That's so sick. My thoughts are getting more and more blurry. I don't know if I'm crazy or what.........
:: Delanor Benson 7:33 PM [+] ::
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New Bounce sheets! Now I smell like a botanical garden. *sniffs self*
I have inspiration for my musical now. I wonder where that came from. I have inspiration for everything...... I've suddenly been writing more. I have no idea where the inspiration came from.
:: Delanor Benson 10:20 PM [+] ::
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See which Greek Goddess you are.

YEAH! I <3 Gaia. You have no idea. I wanted to be Gaia when I was little. And I wanted to be Luke Skywalker. I want to be both. I tied with Athena. But Renata and I can't both be Athena. We could, but that would be a tight fit.
Renata pointed out that this mean I know Captain Planet. And the Planeteers. Captain Planet always called her "GIE-uh", but someone corrected me and told me it was "GAY-uh". Fuck them. Captain Planet is never wrong. I always wanted to be the Russian chick, even though she was Wind, and I'm all about being Water. She said da a lot.

Take the Which Hogwarts Professor are you? Quiz!

Ok....... I got Mad-Eye Moody #1, Hooch #2, and Lupin #3. I like Lupin. I like them all, actually. I'm bitter. Sirius should be up there. Even though he hasn't taught DADA yet........... he will. If there is justice in the literary world, he will.
Though I'm disturbed that Lupin looks like a ........ cartoon. He's not ragged. And he looks like he's 12. But I heart him anyway.
:: Delanor Benson 10:01 PM [+] ::
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I enjoy coming home on weekends. I have friends here. I shouldn't have left so much undone. I should have worked things out with Sarah, and gone to VU. I rushed off. Oh, well. Can't do anything about it. I might transfer to UIUC, SIU, or ISU.
:: Delanor Benson 1:57 AM [+] ::
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Ok............................
:: Delanor Benson 1:42 AM [+] ::
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:: Delanor Benson 2:25 PM [+] ::
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I just figured out who my Psych professor reminds me of! Heroin Bob off of SLC Punk! When he rants and rambles, he's an aural dead ringer.
Oh, and he clipped his little mic on his tongue today.
I want to gouge Barta's eyes out. He was poking my little finger with a damn mechanical pencil because it was on the wrong key. And he wasn't explaining things clearly, and I felt like taking that pencil and gouging his eyes out. Not really.
I'd like to praise Jon Stewart on The Daily Show for coining the terms "poopalanche" and "Clappytown".
:: Delanor Benson 4:58 PM [+] ::
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By Meeki

By Meeki

Take the Test now!
I'm really disturbed that I got Dumbledore as no.1 and Draco as no.2. I mean, along with Hermoine and Sirius, they're my favorite characters.......... but yeah. I wouldn't ever use the Crucius Curse. That's just frightening. Neville's parents. *shudder*. I'm only posting the Draco result because he'll be DAMN hot. and I'm DAMN hot. *nod* ssssssss.
:: Delanor Benson 1:23 AM [+] ::
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Ok, so someone today was like "I fuckin' hate No Doubt now. What is that "Hey Baby" crap? Sellouts."
aaaaaar, *i'm a pirate*...... that bothers me so much. Why?
A) This person didn't even know what "Hey Baby" was about. Gwen *I think* wrote it about they band's backstage relationship with groupies. It's not random bullshit.
B) This person hasn't even heard the rest of the new album. They said they hated the band from one over-played song on the radio. How mature.
C) How exactly have they "sold-out"? I define selling out as abandoning your ethics for material gain. How did they do that? Just because a song has a pop beat that's not characteristic of what they've done in the past.......? Even if you're stupid enough to believe that......... pssssst, they wrote the song, THEN sold it. Not the other way around.
D) Why is it that an artist isn't allowed to change their music? I honestly have more respect for someone who's music grows and changes. I'm not proclaiming I respect an artist any less if their stuff all sounds the same. A lot of my favorite bands do that. But I think when your music grows with you, it's respectable to let it do that.

And I hear a lot of this. Mostly from people who think they're enlightened and alternative because they listen to NIN or something. Like, if you call a band a sell-out, people will instantly recognize you as someone who is very alternative and has a grasp on "musical ethics". What? Musical Ethics? Yeah, it sounds stupid. Just as stupid as "painting ethics" and "dancing ethics". If there are art ethics *which is practically a field of study in itself..... another day*, then I think the general concensus is "don't sell out". I think I would respect a person less if they sold out, but even then I don't think that cheapens the art at all. Just the person. You can still look/listen, and you can still interpret and appreciate something. I don't have any good examples, because, quite frankly, I don't pay enough attention to actual artists to know whether they "sold out" or not, nor do I really care. I'm not that superficial.

So many people are so quick to go "UGH! Pop/Country/Metal/Punk/Classical/Polka shit! Turn it off!" That seems so immature....... people who judge a song because it sounds like it's own genre are just as bad as people who judge others by what they look like. You don't hear quite as many people going "UGH! Post-Modern Dance! I hate this shit! Turn on the interpretive jazz!" because percieveing and interpreting visual arts is harder. It takes thought. It's easy to judge music because it's so often defined by it's genre. And all you have to do to appreciate music on a normal level is sit there and listen. It doesn't take a lot of thought *unless you get really emotional and into it, which, sadly, few people do....*. You just sit there. It's so easy to judge. But I just really don't think music should be defined by it's genre. But maybe that's just me.

There's beauty in everything, and music's one of the easiest things to find it in. Find it instead of trying to look impressive. You don't.

Mood: agitated
Listening to: The World Will Know - Newsies
:: Delanor Benson 1:52 AM [+] ::
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I just remembered something that I've found disturbing since the year started........ these scarily christian *albeit REALLY nice* girls that live downstairs have this little sign on their door that says "Smile! God is taking your picture!". *shudder* My friend Emily and I thought it would be funny as hell to put those little signs on the inside of every bathroom stall door. Hee.
I <3 my period because it's only 3 days long.
I hate and love insomnia. I'm really productive at night. I'm not tired at all..... though I might have to nap between Class Instruction and Clarinet, though. I have to prepare something for my lesson. feh. I just washed my jeans *I'm so anti-hygene it's not funny..... I seriously wear them for a week or more before washing them....*, watched Newsies, and I'm blogging. Ok, so it's *not* that productive. But Newsies is so cool. This DVD is cooler than I am. It has all these documentaries, and the coolest one is the one about the real history of newsies and the strike of 1899. I knew there was a real strike, and I knew how it was settled, but I had no idea so much about that movie was fact. The characters and plots surrounding them are false, but 70% of the events of the strike are true history. The rally in The World Will Know, the rally at Irving Hall, the tipping of the paper cart......... most of the Manhatten newsies actually did band together...... coolness. Too bad Kenny Ortaga did a SHITTY directing job.
I have been SO bitchy for the past month or so. I have no clue why........ the medicine, maybe. But it keeps me from getting worse...... I totally apologize to the people I've been condecending and snappy at. I know it when I'm doing it. I don't want to. I don't understand why I do it.
:: Delanor Benson 3:47 AM [+] ::
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You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea (i have diarrhea)

Maybe it'll work this time. *sigh* I hate technology. Take my test. Pull my finger. Whatever.
:: Delanor Benson 1:47 AM [+] ::
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Which Rocky character are you?

Oh..... hell-fuckin'-yeah!
:: Delanor Benson 12:21 AM [+] ::
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Ewwww. It's true..... I just don't like grapes that much. Unless the white ones, when you put them in the freezer. Mmmmm.
:: Delanor Benson 12:18 AM [+] ::
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Car CD player's fixed. I've been SUCH a bitch to my parents today. I really wish I didn't have to associate with them.

I spent WAY too much money on stupid shit yesterday..... bought 2 shirts, Punk-O-Rama 6, and 2 DVDs. Newsies and Princess Mononoke. Spent 90 bucks. Which was supposed to be for jeans. Now I have to go get money out of my account, give it to dad, pretend the DVDs don't exist, and eat at dining services at school for a week or two, so it'll all even out. *sigh* Oh, well. I'm NEVER a compulsive buyer..... I always walk around with whatever I take fancy to until I decide how I benefit from having it, if i have enough money, if I *really* need it. Nope. Not yesterday. I haaaaaaate spending money. And I still have to find some decent jeans.

Listening To: The Bridge of Khazad-Dum. Tidbit: Did you know that, if correctly pronounced in Elvish, it's "K-Hazad DOOM." Then I'll put in Punk-O-Rama 6, because I like it.
Mood: bored. I have no one to do anything with around here. I'm about to go rent something stupid, like Josie and The Pussycats. please........ save me from myself.

:: Delanor Benson 5:38 PM [+] ::
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Guess who got a metallic purple hitter today? *evil grin*

I'd just like to say that the american flag really annoys me now. It just shows insecurity. If you wear a flag on your lapel, or stick one *or 13* on your car, you're just saying "hey, it's ok...... I'm with the good guys." It's all about people trying to project an image about themselves. I'm not seeing what it accomplishes. Other than giving people a way to connect and relate. And belong to something. That's all it is. Like, hi, you can be a patriot without turning yourself into walking *or driving* nationalist propaganda. I don't understand the influx of flags, anyway. Hundreds of people die in an act of terrorism..... soooo...... we wave a flag? Oh, AND we have prayer circles to give ourselves peace of mind. That we've done our share. Flags aren't helping the military *thank god*. They're not really having any effect on terrorists, except pleasing them...... like I said. It's all about insecurity and wanting to be a part of the crowd. Power trip, anyone?
I'm kind of being pessimistic and generalizing. I'm sure that's not how everyone thinks. But most people.

Listening To: Long Way to the Promised Land; Bad Religion. Followedby some random marching cadence, Because I'm a dork. THEN followed by some Matt Caplan.
Mood: Bitter. I've been a bitter, pessimistic hag all day.
:: Delanor Benson 3:01 AM [+] ::
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So, today's really frustrating. I was the only person in Philosophy today who spoke out in favor of Socrates's ideal of reform, education, and pity for those who do "bad" and "evil". Which, even though I was the only one who could string a coherent, logical response together...... it's daunting. I want to be a teacher to better society..... but there's so many ignorant people. Like when you see a tiny group of soldiers battling the huge evil army in the movies. Though that's a bit self-congradulatory...... and the underdog always wins in the movies. Not so true. I'll bet someone else agreed with Socrates, but no one had the balls to stick with me, so I had to fight off a classroom full of mediocrity. And I don't know how to defend myself out loud. We're talking about a social phobia here. I'm can commicate with written word.... but when I speak I just either come off as a gi-normous bitch or a moron. So I couldn't get my clearest point across. It made me want to jump out the window.
And I have literally no one to tell but my blog. And that gets so frustrating I get urges to pull my hair out, and run into the streets trying to talk to random people. But instead I curl up and have a panic attack. Tonight I may go to Steak N' Shake alone, the catch A Beautiful Mind alone...... again, and then walk myself home, tuck myself into bed, and start the downward spiral all over again. Bitter, party of one.
And Josh denied me from his list on Yahoo, which, on top of everything else, made me want to, like, chew on the glass after I jumped out the window. I KNOW he's replied to my email, but I can't open it now. I feel guilty about being so blunt and defensive, even though I shouldn't feel bad for it. Or apologize for it. But I'm always apologizing for myself. I shouldn't. I don't have to excuse myslef, apologize for myself, or explain myself to anyone. So why do I always do it? I HATE the fact that I'm always so insecure and guilty. My mind says to be confident, and I try REALLY hard to act it. At all times. And to set a good example. But I don't really feel like that. But, shhhhh, that's my big secret that I wouldn't even be admitting via blogger if I wasn't so unmedicated.
Can we tell I haven't had any mood meds today?
Something good has come of my self-loathing and bitterness toward humans in general........ painting inspiration. I have three sketches already.
Tomorrow...... ok, Meghan and I are going to Evansville. I need to get pants at Old Navy. Stop by Deb if there's time. Go to Best Buy and get Princess Mononoke DVD and the LoTR score with excess Xmas money. Maybe we can catch A Beautiful Mind then.
I think my problem is, I disagree with everyone. Like, a friend says something irrational or illogical, and I have to respond. And, while, I don't regret it per say, impending guilt always follows. I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. I mean, if I disagree fundamentally with things someone says, should I not hang around them? What if I still have fun with them? I'm always willing to agree to disagree, but only if the other person is........ and doens't that create a lot of tension? I mean, we're not supposed to always get along with our friends, and a logical discussion is always cool. But when *I* do it, people end up getting offended. Or flustered. Or defensive. Like, all I want is to spark some logic, and I use different methods, but all I usually ever get back is babble. If I don't get an intellectual equal soon, I'm going to explode. That's totally self-righteous of me, but that's how I feel. I can accept that. I can fix my general conceit. As long as I'm harming none, I shouldn't have to keep my mouth shut. And I generally do 50% of the time.
PSA: Please, take everything I've said with a grain of salt..... moooooood swings........
I need to lay down....... there's an anxiety attack on the horizon. This one is gonna be a doozy.
:: Delanor Benson 11:36 AM [+] ::
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Ravenclaws value intellect -- you like things which challenge your mind, whether it be math, art, history, or all of the above and more! You might be somewhat withdrawn, or your intellect might make you a bit mysterious to others. Get Sorted!

:: Delanor Benson 10:52 PM [+] ::
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Coming Out in America.
Irrationality is relative.

LoserWithCamera: ok...... generally homophobia is dominate in rural areas
LoserWithCamera: the reason homosexuality is more accepted in urbana is because they're exposed to it more often
LoserWithCamera: at least, that's part of it
LoserWithCamera: there is, of course, homophobia in urbana and pride in rural america, but that's not the point
LoserWithCamera: of someone in a rural area refuses to come out because they fear for their safety, they're really making the road difficult for many other people, not just themselves. Which could be seen as selfish. But calling them selfish is incompassionate.
LoserWithCamera: and while I don't blame someone at all for fearing for the lives/safety of themselves and friends......
LoserWithCamera: it's really destructive to society and degrading to themselves. I see acting upon the fear of loving who you want to freely as supporting facism.
LoserWithCamera: and that bothers the piss out of me.
LoserWithCamera: The End.
LoserWithCamera: so, while I don't condemn someone staying in the closet out of fear, I condone it even less. The End. For real.

I don't beat people up for being afraid to tell people, I support them. So don't, like, send me hate mail. I'm feeling radical tonight. And friskey. rrar.

Listening To: Footloose. It sounds like Kenny is saying "I'm on the whole-wheat crack!"
Mood: Radical, baby, raar. Red and black.
:: Delanor Benson 10:12 PM [+] ::
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Listening To: Jurassic Park suite. I <3 JW.
Mood: Frustrated. And crunchy.

Ok, I'm losing the dorkey librarian glasses for a few days. Yeah. I look too old. And a smidge dykey.
Cooooncert Band in a half hour. I hate fast songs. because I deplore the clarinet. But, shhhh, I have another 2 years taking applied lessons on the demon thing just because I happen to want teaching cert in music. *yawn*
God only knows how long I've been wearing these pants without washing them....... I realized today that I must be offending those around me. So I'm now moist with Febreeze.

I'm getting nauseus. And dizzy. I'm getting that a lot lately.

Blink 182 writes really cartchy songs. They all kind of sound the same, and tend to run together if you listen to more than 3 in a row, but they are quite catchy. Not that I didn't think they were catchy before, I just can't fucking get Rock Show out of my head.

Everyone at EIU either needs pot, a muscle relaxer, or a combination of both. Everyon'e got a gi-normous beetle up their ass. It's annoying. Everyone takes everything I say really, really seriously. And you just can't do that. Like, if I accidentally say 'OW, rape a baby!' when I stub my toe, everyone's like "oh my GOD! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!". I take way more seriously than the average person, actually, but I can realize that good-natured humor is ok. Everyone is so easily offended. Ok, so 'rape a baby!' isn't really all that good natured. Or even funny in a realistic context. But nothing is. I should probably only use it around people I know really well, that weren't, like, raped as a baby or something. So they don't lapse into a coma or whatever. But some days I just feel like everything should be taken with a bit of humor. Shame on me. And apparently I'm a big, bad potty mouth too. Calm down. I'm getting really frustrated. Which is why I'm calling Andrea up this weekend if she isn't too stoned to answer the phone. That is, if I can find out where she's living this week.
:: Delanor Benson 12:30 PM [+] ::
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This has seriously made my night.......... Gary is my god.

Also............

:: Delanor Benson 6:57 PM [+] ::
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Ok, so on the RENTboards, we were discussing old shows. And this made me think of Are You Afraid of the Dark?. Dude. They were eaither REALLY scary, or REALLY stupid. Here's my frightening memories, some of which is from my post.

Ok, remember the one about....... I think a little girl ghost trapped inside a house? And she scribbled "Help Me" backwards on the walls, so when the resident of the room looked into her mirror, she saw "Help Me" on the walls *can we say "The Shining?", PLUS a little scary cracked-out kid standing behind her? Christ on a cracker...... and the little girl ghost lived in a room of *dolls* in the mirror, and she sucked the resident's best friend into the mirror? uuuugh. *shudder*

How 'bout the Dollhouse? The one where the girl had a friend that lived by her grandparents when she went there in the summer, only the girls disappeared? And it turned out she had been sucked into the dollhouse in her attic? Yeah. Her parents moved after they couldn't find her, but left a pink dollhouse in the attic. But....... she was turned into a doll. A porcelain doll. And she was like "Come play with me!" eeeek. That's horrible.

The one with the evil clown that burned to death. When it gets in the kid's house? That evil laugh? The concept of that alone scares me.

Watcher's Woods. I'm already frightened of the woods enough as it is. I actually think this might have triggered it. The only part that really scared me was when they set their packs down, and then they were gone..... and when they turned around on a path, and the path behind them had vanished. Now when I hike I always check behind me. I'm a dork.

The old car-breaks-down-in-front-of-a-scary-house routine. But seriously....... they wrote that episode whilst smoking a healthy dose of crank. That was was mildly eerie.

The one where the kid put Sardo's hyno-glasses on *No mister, accent on the 'do*, and he saw people in unitards walking around? Because there's another dimention over this one....... they overlap or something? Hell, the unitard in itself is a nightmare......

And then the opening credits. That haunting song. The doll in the attic. The clown face. The empty swing. Major chills.

:: Delanor Benson 5:13 PM [+] ::
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Turns out I've been using the Socratic Method since I was 14, and just didn't know it. Granted, a rough version of it, but Socratic Method nontheless. It's kind of hard to use on yourself, though........ makes me feel a bit schizo.

:: Delanor Benson 11:14 AM [+] ::
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Saw LoTR again. 3rd time. I'm not getting tired of it at all. This time I concentrated on the music.... I LOVE it. I must have the CD..... but what's sad is, I kept think what a great drum corp show it would make, and kept picturing drill...... GAH. I'm such a dork. Re-thinking Capital Regiment....... I could go with Erin this weekend. She's taking the bus. But..... dude. I have such little brass experience..... but I'd kind of like to go and get a feel for it anyway. AND if I did it this year, I'd be able to bump up to Div.1 sooner, if at all. Or I could stop worrying about it till next year. I'll blog more later........ I have homework.
Later: Ok, so should I have to feel like I need to call the FBI to decode Loewen's syllabi? It says to read about Oratotios in our dictionary of Music, and read S2 in our Exploring Music book, and listen to R1&2 on the CDs. S2? What the fuck is that? Nothing in that book is listed like that. It says what *appears* to be along the lines of "it starts on page 3". Um, page three is in the middle of a Bach piece in D minor.

Helpful Hints: If you make Easy Mac and use too much water, that is the point of no return. Nothing you can do will make it better. Not adding half a bag of shredded cheddar cheese. Not soaking it up with a towel. Not adding what's left of your Papa John's garlic sauce. But please....... don't do the latter. It's really disgusting. And I thought that stuff was good on everything......

My bitch factor has really skyrocketed. Don't know why. I was really heinous to Meghan Saturday. I've been bitter to everyone. I think I need more meds........ I <3 Serzone.
:: Delanor Benson 11:05 PM [+] ::
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I'm changing my license plate. For those of you who don't know me personally, my car is a particularly offensive color of purple. I'm getting something like "LLMA 007". So I can be like "I'm going to be riding the purple llama to Rockford" and "I'm really sorry I'm late, Mr.Allen, but my purple llama blew a spark plug...."

I don't know if I blogged it already, but my OTHER old friend, Kristenia, is also getting hitched. We've been friends since 5th grade. And today she asked me to be a bridesmaid! I seriously can't stop smiling. I'm flattered. I'll cry..... I know I will.......
:: Delanor Benson 7:18 PM [+] ::
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I went to Psych today. Dude. Our professor is a SCREAM..... he seriously should do stand-up. He was making shadow animals with the projector. We didn't even do anything until the end of class...... we played "show me your tattoo", and he read answers to questions he asked last Tuesday. My favorite answers:

Where is the mind?
"In my pants"

Finish this sentance: I wish......
I was Superman.

I am going to love this class..... he was playing with the electronics and whatnot, since he was on a mic. It's a large lecture hall with padded seats. Nice. He wanted us to draw a diagram in our notes, and he couldn't show us. Because he had no dry-erase markers. And the projector screen is in front of the chalkboard, and electronic, and he couldn't figure out how to raise it. So he described it to us. It was amusing, because so many of those people are morons who just take the class for credit, and they were getting all flustered becasue he kept going off on LONG tangents about stupid crap, like "show me your tattoo" and blowing your nose. Which brings me to my next topic.
Stupid people. WHY do they exist? I'm serious about this. If I wasn't so pacifistic, I'd just kill 'em all. They spread disease, they reproduce more of their kind, and they contribute nothing useful to society. Robots. *sigh* I was saving seats next to me for friends, but these two frat primates sat down without asking if they were saved. They kept calling him a fag. And douchebag. And when he ran two minutes over, they were loudly complining about the class, and how faggy he was, and how much they wanted to leave, and how much it hurts when they get scrapes on their knuckles from the concrete.

Prof. Gruber: What time is it? Apparently time itself is supposed to break down during this class, since they don't have a clock in here....
Girl: 4:10.....
Bongo and Chongo: The fuck it is! What the fuckin' fuckity fuck?!??! Fuck! It's fuckin' 4:16! Fuck a duck! Stupid fuckin' faggy fuck!

I really wanted to go ape *pun intended* and be like "This building is on the atomic clock, asshair! You know, the one the government uses? STOP BITCHING AND MOANING OR SO HELP ME GOD I'LL SPEW FIRE ON YOUR FAMILY, RAPE YOUR DOG, AND MAKE YOU WISH TO JESUS THAT YOU HAD FINISHED EVOLVING! AIIIEEEEEE! *head pops off and spins around, spitting blood on the forsaken*
*cough*
wow........ these new anxiety pills are really making me bitchy......... eh, it's fun.

Last little tidbit of amusment: a group of sorority girls sat in front of me. It was hysterical. The leader of Alpha Chi or whatever was being all friendly to the freshmen girls. Conversation was as follows:

Malibu Barbie: HI! How ARE you? I was, like, SO totally psyched to see you at the post-fall-pre-rush luncheonette-potluck-orgy!! Are you going to rush?!?!?!
Pink Princess Barbie: yeah, I think so.
Malibu Barbie: GREAT! You know, I LOVE you! *hugs the total stranger*
Bongo and Chongo: *BOING*
[Trailer Trash Barbie and Crack Fiend Barbie enter. Malibu Barbie immediately drops Pink Princess Barbie and jiggles over to new arrivals]
Malibu Barbie: THERE you guys are! *shrill giggle* My two BEST FRIENDS! *turns to Pink Princess's tribe* Will YOU guys be my best friends TOO?

I shit you not, my friend. That last line (and most of that convo) was ver batim. I took creative liberties. ;) and Mattel isn't paying me a cent for my free advertizing. Those girls were so sad..... I just want to ask "Does it hurt to be you?". I'm sure they're really nice girls.... just not exactly a big ole' pile of smarts. What's the point of social sororities? Seriously, does the labotomy come with the Happy Meal, or do you have to super size it first? I'm not trying to make a harsh generalization....... a lot of service greeks actually DO community service. The church greeks pray before and after their scat orgies. And I, myself, am being a hypocrite because I'm joining a frat this or next semester. (Shut up. it's the national band service fraternity, Kappa Kappa Psi. I swear, they're the anti-greeks. Plus, I love the idea of being a girl and saying I'm in a frat.) Anyway...... wellbutrin is making me really edgy, so I'm fluttering off now.......... to finish Plato's Apology. And Play-Doh's Apology.
:: Delanor Benson 6:57 PM [+] ::
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6 days and no panic attacks. No suicidal/masochistical urges. No uncontrollable crying. I had a quick skinging feeling a few hours ago, but otherwise........ doing good. Got classes uner control. I might have to drop Class Instruction because of size.... Barta apparently can't get instruments for that many people. *sigh* I was going to like that class, too. Ah, well. I need to take low brass methods next semester to get in shape for dci.
I wish Bad Religion would friggin' get back to America and tour. I'm trying to get tickets for shows/concerts, but I don't see anything I want to go to. *frumble*
Yeah, so....... we're reading about Socrates in Phil. I love that class. I love Socrates. It's gotta be my favorite. The guy next to me has "fuzzy balls" written on his binder, so we're talking about philosophy and virtue, and I hear "fuzzy balls. fuzzy balls. fuzzy, fuzzy BAAALLS!" in my head. *blink*
Oh, something happy! In mixed choir we're singing the ENTIRE Reqiuem. Mozart. yeah. 80 pages. 3 systems a page. *swoon* Every time I think about it I start bounding a fliggling about.

:: Delanor Benson 8:22 PM [+] ::
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I wish I had changed dorm rooms over break. It'd be easier to make a clean start that way...... and plus, I want a double-as-a-aingle. This physical single is fucking TINY. Which is ok, but I have a lot of stuff. And I can't frigging stand my neighbors.
The music wing FINALLY opened today. Heard jen and chris's voice, but didn't seek anyone out. I just wanted to check the concert band list. See who I'll be sitting with. Charleston is BOOOORING. Not as boring as Mt.Carnel, but at least there I have someone to do stuff with. This room is so shitty........ it's already filthy and class hasn't even started.
I'd like to reiterate how psyched I am about Jackie's wedding. I can't wait. I haven't even seen the rock yet. I thought maybe Sarah and I could throw a bridal shower if Joey's mom hasn't done that yet. Since Joey's mom is more or less hersHee, they haven't even set a date yet. This is so fun. I wish I could have a part in it...... oh, well. When Sarah gets married, I'll have some REAL fun.
:: Delanor Benson 6:13 PM [+] ::
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Next semester's schedule:
MWF
Hist. of Music I - 9:00-9:50 Nine in the fucking morning? Kill me. At least it's not Hesterman.
Music History and literature from the Renaissance through the twentieth century. The study of model scores of each period and application of this knowledge to works of similar genre.
Intro to Philosophy - 10:00-10:50 I love philosophy classes. It could be 4 a.m. for all I care.
An introduction to Philosophy through aincient, medieval, modern, and contemporary sources. The course includes main areas such as ethics, metaphysics, epistemology, aesthetics, and philosophy of religion.
Mixed Choir - 1:00-1:50 Big choir of girls and boys. I've never been in a big choir, and never with boys that could sing.
Women's Choir - 2:00-2:50 We sing, we feel, we talk about menstruation. What more could I ask for?
MW
Concert Band - 4:00-5:40 Hell-fuckin-yeah.
TR
Class Instruction in Clarinet, Flute, and Saxophone - 10:00-10:50 A study of beginning instrumental technique. Yay. At least it's Barta.
Intro to Psychology - 3:00-4:15 Psych = Fun.
An integrated overview of the basic methods and principles of psychology including natural and social science contributions to the understanding of behavior and cognitive processes.
T
Applied Clarinet - 3:00-3:50 Clarinet Lessons. Yay. *yawn*

I heart classes. I heart band. I heart choir.
:: Delanor Benson 4:11 AM [+] ::
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Back at school.
I just thought of a book I read when I was little Island of the Blue Dolphins or something. Good book.
I don't usually give shoutouts to my peeps or whatever, but I'm afraid props must be given to Lexie. ;) She fixed my computer problem. *spins about*
I have so much unpacking to do.
OH! BIG NEWS! Two friends of mine are getting married. I'm so excited. Sarah and I have known Jackie and Joey would be married for a long time....... they started dating sophomore year. She moved into a little house across from the street his family's house about a year ago. I'M SO EXCITED! A WEDDING! AAARGH! Kristenia's getting married too. So strange...... my friends getting hitched. I secretly hope I'm a bridesmaid in Jackie's wedding. I mean, we don't talk much anymore....... we didn't even do much together senior year. Because she was with Joey a lot. But Sarah and I are still her best friends, I think. Even if we aren't that's ok. It'll most likely be a small wedding, so maybe there won't even be any. But I'm just excited for her. AIIIEEEEEE!

Galadriel If I were a character in The Lord of the Rings, I would be Galadriel, Elf, Queen of Lothlorien, wife of Celeborn and grandmother of Arwen. In the movie, I am played by Cate Blanchett. Who would you be? Zovakware Lord of the Rings Test with Perseus Web Survey Software

:: Delanor Benson 1:36 AM [+] ::
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I always knew I was secretly Artie.
:: Delanor Benson 2:55 PM [+] ::
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Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz


Hee. How funnie. On to the next!
:: Delanor Benson 2:36 PM [+] ::
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OOOOOOH! a religion test. I'm so excited.
Mine Results:
1. Theravada Buddhism (100%)
2. Mahayana Buddhism (99%)
3. Neo-Pagan (92%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (88%)
5. New Age (85%)
6. Liberal Quakers (78%)
7. Taoism (77%)
8. Jainism (68%)
9. Secular Humanism (68%)
10. Hinduism (62%)
11. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (60%)
12. Orthodox Quaker (57%)
13. Bahá'í Faith (50%)
14. New Thought (50%)
15. Atheists and Agnostics (48%)
16. Scientology (47%)
17. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (44%)
18. Reform Judaism (36%)
19. Orthodox Judaism (33%)
20. Sikhism (31%)
21. Seventh Day Adventist (30%)
22. Islam (25%)
23. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (24%)
24. Jehovah's Witness (23%)
25. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (15%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (12%)
27. Roman Catholic (12%)

I'm always a self-declared strong agnostic........ but apparently I have too many beliefs to be just that. I guess I'm a Neo-Pagan-Buddhist-Agnostic. Because I'm always the skeptic. Which is good.
:: Delanor Benson 1:55 PM [+] ::
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So f-ing tired. Damn. There should be a cure for insomnia.
I wrote this gushy crap while I was supposed to be listening in Philosophy to a lecture on Psychological Egoism. But she gave the same goddamn lecture on it EVERY DAY. There's only so much I can take. And psychological egoism is ass-boring. I was tearing old half-assed notes out of my notbooks and came across this:

I believe in Bohemia. I believe in the Earth. I believe in the Mind. I believe in art and color and line. I believe in love. I believe in the human spirit. I believe in a chill, clear day. I believe in awareness. I believe in music. I believe in a soul. I believe in an open sky and pure ground. I believe in the ocean. I believe in what can't be seen. I believe in kindness and empathy. I believe in thought. I believe in humility. I believe in the clouds. I believe in what can't be answered. I believe in the rain and thunder. I believe in the cold. I believe in modest pride. I believe in the moon and stars and infinite blackness. I believe in the moment, not the future or past. I believe in words. I believe in loving your enemy. I believe in the leaf. I believe in virtue. I believe in Life.

I believe I should send this into "Chicken Soup for the Colloquial Soul" or something.
*turns on Enya*
*turns off Enya and turns on BR*
:: Delanor Benson 9:00 AM [+] ::
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I can't see justifying killing. I hate it when people smash bugs. How arrogant. Take life pointlessly from some little being just because you're higher on the food chain. The majority of them don't even have a complex nervous system, ergo they feel little or no pain. But still, where does one draw the line? They can't feel the pain, so you can kill them? Neither can some severely catatonic schizophrenics. But no one would stand for someone walking into a hospital and killing a catatonic person. Why? Speciesism? Double, Triple, Quadrupal standards? I realize everything is relative. That's what I often forget. But nothing justifies killing anything unless it's in personal self-defense or hunger. At least not in my mind. But maybe a little reverence for life is outdated.
I should be a vegetarian. But I'm not......... don't know why. Laziness. I'll work on that this year. I won't suppost the torture and suffering of innocents because I like my stupid earthly indulgence. Yeah, I say that, and then I go and order a Pepperoni Lover's pizza. I'm an asshole. I think I might put an anti-meat marketing bumper sticker on my car. That would deter me from visiting fast-food chains. Because I'm not so much pro-vegetarianism as I am anti-animal marketing. The treatment of the animals before and during killing is......... awful. There's nothing wrong with hunting for your food. Esp. if you use the whole animal. But mass production of animal products... essentially breeding them to die, to strip them of dignity, happniess, love, and to torture them and use them for our own advances is one of the worst crimes of the species. Speciesism. With over-evolution apparently comes power...... and we waste it all.
:: Delanor Benson 5:34 AM [+] ::
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