overexposed, commercialized, handle me with care
reputation changeable

Thursday, October 02, 2003

listening to: rachael sage, begin to stop

so, i've been studying for bio, and i really feel like i have a handle on it. which makes me nervous, because i probably don't really, or else i'm probably neglecting to study some really important thing. gah.

everyone: i'm impressed with your defense of "sk", good work with that. but i still think "skexcellent" would be a good word.

meanwhile, ranting.

i would like to preface this by saying that this is not directed at anyone in particular. and i don't mean that like, "it really is but i'm saying it's not but you'll totally be able to tell that it is", i mean it for real. i've just been thinking.

about.. angst. and how... mmm... i understand that clinical depression is serious, and sucks, and i definitely mean no harm to any who are afflicted. but i also know that a lot of people are definitely not clinically depressed. and i know that sometimes, clinical depression or not, you just feel crappy. and it sucks. but i think.. when you make a lifestyle out of it... i don't know. i think that people need to take more of an active role in getting out of their depression. because when it comes right down to it, what you need is to be comfortable with yourself. and nobody can do that for you. but i think what a lot of peoples angst is really about is selfishness. that's really too strong of a word... self-absorbedness. you want to justify the way you feel, so you make your problem seem a whole lot bigger than it really is. but... i think people should learn that you don't *have* to justify the way you feel.. you just feel it.

i guess the thing i dislike most about excessive angst is that it ends up making me feel guilty for being able to deal with my problems. like... i feel like i'm not an understanding person, or that i'm callous, just because i usually get over my own problems. and because i'm not able to suffer on the same level as they are. which is... what is that?! "hi, sorry i'm well-adjusted, but.."

(which is not to say that i don't have problems, or don't have angst, because of course i do. everyone does. i just like think of myself as having limited angst.)

which brings me to another thing i've realized lately... i don't have a fear of failure, i have a fear of success. it embarrasses me, and i have this habit of doing everything i can to explain it away. like, if i do well on something... it's just luck. or just because i have a good teacher. and never because "well, i'm smart" or "i'm a good writer" or "i'm just good at it!" even college.. i feel guilty because i like college and i'm having a good time here and a lot of my friends are homesick or having problems. why is that? why can't i feel sad for them and happy for me at the same time?

i guess... i don't know. nobody likes the smartest kid in the room. i mean even i don't. so i guess... i have this innate fear.. of what?

so uh.. whatever.


posted by ~renata~ at 10:02 AM
(0) commented with care

email me
home
arrr-chives
who's who?
about me
site history
blogtree
everybody's got somebody
lj friends
mary
meagna
megan
priscellie
taaalia

the best thing i've ever found
scott adams
cute overload
comics curmudgeon
stuart davis
dooce
jezebel
ken jennings
maru
neil gaiman
john hodgman
dream on
a softer world
cat and girl
dinosaur comics
married to the sea
natalie dee
penny arcade   
thinkin' lincoln
toothpaste for dinner
smell of success
curtis cregan
gods
last.fm
plans
photos
time fies
twitter
writings
i still have some love to give

Widget_logo


www.flickr.com


July 2001
August 2001
September 2001
October 2001
November 2001
December 2001
January 2002
February 2002
March 2002
April 2002
May 2002
June 2002
July 2002
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
June 2003
July 2003
August 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
June 2008
September 2008
August 2009


 

< ? compulsive bloggers # >




you've never seen fire until you've seen PELE blow


powered by blogger!



    
Site Meter