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Thursday, October 02, 2003

listening to: rachael sage, begin to stop

so, i've been studying for bio, and i really feel like i have a handle on it. which makes me nervous, because i probably don't really, or else i'm probably neglecting to study some really important thing. gah.

everyone: i'm impressed with your defense of "sk", good work with that. but i still think "skexcellent" would be a good word.

meanwhile, ranting.

i would like to preface this by saying that this is not directed at anyone in particular. and i don't mean that like, "it really is but i'm saying it's not but you'll totally be able to tell that it is", i mean it for real. i've just been thinking.

about.. angst. and how... mmm... i understand that clinical depression is serious, and sucks, and i definitely mean no harm to any who are afflicted. but i also know that a lot of people are definitely not clinically depressed. and i know that sometimes, clinical depression or not, you just feel crappy. and it sucks. but i think.. when you make a lifestyle out of it... i don't know. i think that people need to take more of an active role in getting out of their depression. because when it comes right down to it, what you need is to be comfortable with yourself. and nobody can do that for you. but i think what a lot of peoples angst is really about is selfishness. that's really too strong of a word... self-absorbedness. you want to justify the way you feel, so you make your problem seem a whole lot bigger than it really is. but... i think people should learn that you don't *have* to justify the way you feel.. you just feel it.

i guess the thing i dislike most about excessive angst is that it ends up making me feel guilty for being able to deal with my problems. like... i feel like i'm not an understanding person, or that i'm callous, just because i usually get over my own problems. and because i'm not able to suffer on the same level as they are. which is... what is that?! "hi, sorry i'm well-adjusted, but.."

(which is not to say that i don't have problems, or don't have angst, because of course i do. everyone does. i just like think of myself as having limited angst.)

which brings me to another thing i've realized lately... i don't have a fear of failure, i have a fear of success. it embarrasses me, and i have this habit of doing everything i can to explain it away. like, if i do well on something... it's just luck. or just because i have a good teacher. and never because "well, i'm smart" or "i'm a good writer" or "i'm just good at it!" even college.. i feel guilty because i like college and i'm having a good time here and a lot of my friends are homesick or having problems. why is that? why can't i feel sad for them and happy for me at the same time?

i guess... i don't know. nobody likes the smartest kid in the room. i mean even i don't. so i guess... i have this innate fear.. of what?

so uh.. whatever.

posted by ~renata~ at 10:02 AM
(0) commented with care

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