Scientists Discover Possibility of Female US President

Current Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton has long served the country with honor, doing whatever it is the Secretary of the Interior is supposed to do and doing it well. Norton, the first woman to hold the office, follows in the footsteps of such beloved Secretaries of the Interior as Cornelius Newton Bliss and Harold Ickes, and sometimes she also makes coffee.

However, there's something special about Norton: just eight people and thousands of Secret Sevice agents stand between Norton and the nation's highest office, making her by far the most likely person to become America's first female president.

Political science professor Stuart Long, who first made the discovery, told The B&S, "Sure, it's unlikely that all eight people will die, but is it more probable than a woman being elected president? Yes. Yes it is."

Statistician Grant Rogers estimated the chances of Norton acceding to the presidency as about "23.4 million to one, compared with a billion to one for a woman actually being elected."

Explaining the process for Norton's rise to power, Long said, "Well, obviously the easiest way for would be if someone blew up the Capitol during the State of the Union, and she was the one who, as legally mandated, was separate from the rest of the Cabinet. But there are other ways, too. Like, if the President chokes on a pretzel again? That's one down, and Cheney's heart could go at anytime.

He continued, "And then if Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert tripped over something in his office and fell on a pair of scissors? And then President Pro Tempore Ted Stevens happened to be vacationing in Australia and got too close to a deadly blue-ringed octopus, that'd be curtains for him."

"Colin Powell? Definitely killer bees. And then I usually think about Secretary of the Treasury John Snow getting locked in his office and starving to death before someone found him, but I mean, he could just as easily drop his toaster in the sink and electrocute himself. Then Rumsfeld might get some extremely rare and fatal disease, and Ashcroft could be accidentally assassinated by a rogue Mountie on a state visit to Canada."

When asked about this scenario, Attorney General John Ashcroft laughed for several minutes before replying, "That's ridiculous. A female president? Yeah, like that would ever happen. Also, Ted Stevens would never vacation in Australia, he's afraid of wallabies. "

Long then added, "Plus, if she somehow dies in office, then only four more people have to go before America has its first African-American president."

Gale Norton herself seems indifferent to the possibility to one day becoming President, and denies accusations of having purchased killer bees off the Internet.

renata at frowl org

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