[::..The Optic Monologues..::]
the barn's burned down.... now i can see the moon.| [::..the.past..::] |
|---|
| .archives. |
| [::..unusual.suspects..::] |
| .annie. |
| .emily. |
| .*nina*. |
| .ren-arr-ta. |
| .rick. |
| .richie. |
| [::..craaaazy..::] |
| .the.frowlers. |
| .sgt.pepper. |
| .matt.caplan. |
| .rent.boards. |
| .bad.religion. |
| .muggle.net. |
| .fiction.alley. |
| .pervy.diaries. |
| .d.c.i. |
 |
[::..Sunday, September 29, 2002..::]
weirdness in music.-i like eminem. no, no, come back! i'm shocked too. if i didn't think he was a colossal asshole, i'd buy The Eminem Show. he is rather talented.
-pink doesn't annoy me anymore. i like her a lot. she could stand to get over herself, but she has a phenominal voice. she should be in vocal jazz or musical theatre, not pop. i like her new album so much. finally..... someone who sings in my range.
-speaking of people misusing their talents, we need to discuss cristina. she has a killer belt. she needs to be told that singing a song as one big riff does not make her soulful. it makes her annoying. she needs a little bit of classical training. and some clothes. i'm all for showing off your body every now and then. and i'm all about makeup. but...... dude. her stylist needs to be shot.
-i like dashboard confessional. i just can't stand chris' voice. it's so nasal. i deal with it, though, because of that beautiful sleeve tattoo.
-i don't like andrea bocelli's voice, yo. period.
-should i buy Thorougly Modern Millie?
-apparently justin timberlake didn't get the "you're not michael jackson, you're a stupid queen" memo. good thing everyone else did.
-i'm still amazed that i like nfg as much as i do. except jordan has such a terrible voice. i remember liking his voice live, though. so it's probably just the mixer's fault, as it so often is these days. is it just me, or are there no good male rock vocalists these days? they're all either these whiney little pussy tenors wailing above their range (emo) or some terrible james hetfield ripoff. *coughSCOTSTAPPcough*
[::..Del dropped a spore at 9:10 PM..::]
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[::..Friday, September 27, 2002..::]
"i used to have time to think, to reflect, my mind and i. we would sit together of an evening and listen to the inner melodies of the spirit, which one hears only in leisure moments when the words of some loved poet touch a deep, sweet chord in the soul that until then had been silent. but in college there is no time to commune with one's thoughts. One goes to college to learn, it seems, not think. when one enters the portals of learning, one leaves the dearest pleasures - solitude, books, imagination - outside with the whispering pines. i suppose i ought to find some comfort in the thought that i am laying up treasures for future enjoyment, but i am improvident enough to prefer present joy to hoarding riches for a rainy day."
- Helen Keller, on collegei hear ya, helen. it could not be said better.
(i was going to say "i hear ya, hell.")
there is a curious paradox
that no one can explain
who understands the secret of the reaping of the grain?
who understand why spring is born out of winter's laboring pain?
or why we must all die a bit
before we grow again
i do not know the answer; i merely know it's true
i hurt them for that reason
myself a little bit too
-the fantastiksless than a month 'till NFG (tuesday, oct.22), and still no takers. well, i haven't really offered the other ticket to many people, i don't friggin' know who likes NFG here. or finch. or something corporate. or further seems forever.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 2:30 PM..::]
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[::..Thursday, September 26, 2002..::]
renaaata! flailage! i went to see the banger sisters last night, and they had these static-cling signs in then doors of the theatre that said "No Pirates - piracy is against the law" and then it has the head of a pirate biting a sword, and it's got a red circle-cross over it! i ganked it when we left. and.... it rocks.
oh, and the movie was very good. i thought it actually needed to be beefier, but the acting was lovely.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 2:09 PM..::]
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[::..Wednesday, September 25, 2002..::]
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.cliche, yes. adderall is not working today. effexor is not working today. i want thom or andrea to be here so badly right now. if i have learned anything from college, it is how to rely on only myself. i missed an appointment with mr.allen today. i'm planning on letting him know that my humor isn't meant to be malicious, and that my attitude isn't what it seems. no misconceptions. clarinets, as well. we need to talk about that. about how liz doesn't really seem to want to be there, and how we all DO try. but guess what? i slept through it. i "missed" an appointment with Poulter monday. what the fuck is wrong with me? i try to get on top of things and do my best and i try to change and i just end up fucking up worse and worse. what do i do, stop trying? maybe if i don't try, i'll succeed. like everyone else here.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 2:30 PM..::]
am i a masochist? i don't know. i'm numb from mood MAO inhibitors so much, that when i feel, it's almost nice. like i'm alive. i remember after my low period in high school, i was in the horrible limbo for 2 years. i wished so much that i could be utterly miserable again, because i was completely devoid of any feeling. when i would get really down, i'd try to hold onto it a relish it, because i knew it would pass. i still do, to some extent, but not so desperately. pain is my happiness, if that make sense. it's almost nostalgic, like feeling like my old self again. the dull ache in my chest that's usually sedated by drugs is familir, like a friend. it just feels good to break down. i can't explain this. i don't know if anyone understands what i'm saying.
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Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz
[::..Del dropped a spore at 2:21 AM..::]
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[::..Saturday, September 21, 2002..::]
i only left the ones i thought were really funny.Metaphors and Similes Found in High School Essays:
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. (where's this from? back in hs, my sophomore year, joey sellers wrote a story that was nothing but similies and metaphors. and it was hysterical. and this was one of them.)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 2:38 AM..::]
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ok. soooo.... i'm never drinking again to the poiint where people are uncomfortable around me, and rae trying to send me home.*edited a week later* i posted this when i was completely shitfaced. before i posted this, i rolled around of the floor for 10 minutes because i couldn't get into my rolling-swivel chair. had i been outside my body at the time, it would probably have been most amusing.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 1:38 AM..::]
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[::..Friday, September 20, 2002..::]
my post from the boards on god, so jen doesn't have to rummage around.question: do you believe in god?
i believe in the *possibility* of a or many god(s). i actually think it's rather likely. i think people take the easy road, assuming that god must be some actual thinking *being* up in the sky, and that god and satan are battling to win our souls for a massive apocolyptic war that will destroy the world. dungeons and dragons, much? i'm not trying to be an asshole.... it just sounds a little too easy and mythic to me. people digest the bible and don't even stop to think (and aren't taught by schools or the ministry) how badly it's been translated. how much has been taken from it, and how much has been added by roman catholic monks with small schlongs and repressed homosexuality. have any of you ever read one of those "Teen Bibles"? trash. they're TERRIBLY translated. no wonder judeo-christianity is turning to shit. it's future leaders and followers don't have a clear historical view of own faith. they don't use critical thinking. they don't know fact from fiction, and they don't care. those "teen bibles" (and 98% of contemporary christian/catholic literature) have more fire and brimstone than they do "love everyone". and it scares me.
i don't believe in putting a label on your beliefs, then trying to squeeze your mind and morals and faith into the antiquated container. i don't believe in public prayer in most cases, because i think that prayer is between you and god, or whatever you're praying to. if you even know. i pray. many of my atheist/agnostic friends pray. and i don't think church should be social hour.
if i had to describe my beliefs and faith, i think it would be some kind of buddhist-pagan hybrid. i don't have any literal god, but i like the idea. my beliefs and my "religion", if you will, are personal. religion is philosophy combined with faith. while i think the former is more important than the latter. we cannot thrive as a people if we try to lean to heavily on one or the other. if that makes any sense.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 6:14 PM..::]
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[::..Thursday, September 19, 2002..::]
the next DVDs i buy will be:
Cabaret
Pi
Orange County
Fiddler on the Roofomg! lilo and stitch won't be released on DVD until December 3. fuck disney.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 4:15 PM..::]
ohana means family, motherfucker!
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[::..Wednesday, September 18, 2002..::]
where the fuck are my comments? is it so much to ask? why can't i have a normal, functioning commenting system like everyone else? *sob* i'm so deprived.ok. i'm getting more free time in school now, so i think i'm gonna have the time to revamp the blog. meaning.... actual graphics. and a start page. i'm looking into it.
again, i'm sweating in places i didn't think i had. i'm also chafing in places that should NEVER chafe.
.............do you speak gynese?
[::..Del dropped a spore at 7:28 PM..::]
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[::..Tuesday, September 17, 2002..::]
destiny. fate. i don't know.i've always had dreams where i dreamt something ordinary, like sitting in a clasroom looking at butterflies. or talking with a blonde girl i don't know on a striped couch. then months or more later, it happens. time and time again. i'm rational to fault, and i can't really make a judgement with only one wishy-washy argument. i usually stay away from this topic. but how can i dream something like that, and have it come to pass? on the other hand, i could dream lots of other ordinary things that never come to pass, and hence never acknowledge that i dreamt them in the first place. but the previous fact remains still as a hint that there is *some* sort of order to it all.
but if i go around believing in destiny, then i look around at how intricate a tapestry destiny must be, and it all seems like it must be some marriage of physics and divine plan. i've always supported the "random molecules" theory for the birth of life itself.... but if there is destiny in some form, then it is most unlikely that it was random. and then i would have to have faith in a higher power. i would have no choice but to acknowledge that it's there. not a beard in the sky, but not pure energy and mathematics either. i guess a little mixture of faith and reason. which isn't so bad.die and go to hell...... my moon sign is libra. damn them. i must be a water sign somewhere, somehow. i am definately a gemini. but my moon sign should be a water sign of some kind. it doesn't make sense. it fits too well. memo to self: read more about the elemental zodiac. i have to be a loophole pisces somewhere.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 2:25 AM..::]
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[::..Sunday, September 15, 2002..::]
laundry tiiiime.i love doing laundry, because i use Gain. and it smells awesome. and i use these weird "rainforest scented" snuggle dryer sheets. so i like to sniff things. i huff my laundry.
i have a canker sore in my throat. not exactly in my throat.... it's on one of those flappy things before the throat. i can't for the life of me find their real name.... they're on the side of the mouth. i got my sores really close to my left tonsil. and there's actually 3 of them. and they've made me miserable for 4 days..... but it's hurting less now. i get these things all the time, and i hate them. i think everyone assumes they're pretty minor, since they're such small ulcers. but they hurt a *lot*, and i always seem to get 2+. no one knows what causes them.
i don't want to discuss the happenings of this weekend..... if you want to know, you can ask me.
there was a massive wolf spider in my room. ok, not massive. if you've ever seen a fully grown wolf spider..... they're very large. with their legs completely spread out, they're about the size of a coffee can lid. i've only seen a few that large.... this one was a bit bigger than a quarter. i killed him, and i feel awful. i hate taking the life out of things like that. i don't have the right. i don't honestly think anyone has the right to take life, unless they are directly threatened by it. like a mosquito biting, or a dog attacking. i don't understand how people can just squash a bug or pour salt on a slug just because they *can*. but maybe i'm overly sensitive.
it's getting cooler! yayness! i will get to wear all my neat sweaters and scarves soon!
giant squids are so interesting. nothing is known about them. i'd just assume some things be left shrouded in mystery...... like the stars. i have to wonder what a clear night sky was to people before everyone looked up and saw balls of burning gas. why go look when you can turn on the discovery channel and see Why and How? i don't care so much about why and how sometimes. but i do love the discovery channel, so i shouldn't complain. nothing seems sacred anymore.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 11:21 PM..::]
science doesn't know half of what it claims to.
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[::..Thursday, September 12, 2002..::]
when i went to health services a few days ago for a perscription for claritin, the creepy doctor kept trying to convince me that i might have strep, and that i should have a throat culture done. the only symptom i had was a little over 1 degree temp. so i thought he was being creepy. but i was all achey and tired the other day..... and i can just barely feel my throat beggining to hurt. he gave me strep medication just to be safe..... pleeeeease let it work. i can't afford to miss class.oh my god.
that nice memorial i was singing at? i'm ashamed to have been a part of it.
they did a powerpoint of all these photos, to music and audio news coverage. except the sound went off for the first half. and they showed a picture of a man falling from the building. wtf? how could ANYONE have thought that was appropriate? i was revolted. they showed firemen carrying bodies (with their arms dangling), both covered and not. what is the point of all this? the speakers were all like "this was one of the darkest, most devastating, violent events in american history." wow. so i noticed. let's all gather in a room and relive it. let's watch towers fall and people climb out of windows. you know what? it does nothing for the people who lost their family and friends. if my husband had been incinerated when the plane hit his office, i wouldn't give a shit if the country was waving their flags and watching distasteful tv shows. people just do this shit to bring themselves peace. and you can come to terms with the event without tastless specials and redundant speeches. oh, and i'm sure many people do it to make sure everyone else knows how patriotic and sympathetic they are. same reason people stick flags on their car. like i said.... i'm embarassed to have been there. i refuse to take part in something like this ever again.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 10:06 AM..::]
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[::..Wednesday, September 11, 2002..::]
i can't believe i'm doing this. it's the ultimate in boredom.1. Where were you when you heard about the attacks on the pentagon and WTC?
i was walking to aural training, so it was probably 10:50 a.m. i hadn't even gotten to 4th street when i saw mr.barta, my clarinet professor, walking really fast towards me. he is always uptight and running around, so i smiled and said i was prepared for my lesson at 1:00 today. he didn't even stop walking...... he said "lessons are cancelled. go home and watch tv!". i laughed, because that's something he would have said anyway. i got to aural training, and people were huddled up, talking in the hall. i had my headphones on. oh, and i was weirdly enough wearing my I *heart* NY shirt. i sat down in my chair, and hesterman (the teacher) was talking really seriously to one of the students, so i took off my headphones and listened. all i got was something about planes hitting some world trade building..... i asked the guy what/when and all that. i didn't connect the wtc with the actual towers.... so i had no idea of the scale of it. i remember he was telling me that the first tower collapsed. hesterman's face went pale, and he said "it collapsed? completely?" we were all kind of shocked, but class continued. i kind of got the idea that something really huge had happened, so i went home and turned on the tv. and almost threw up when i realized that two planes carrying unsuspecting passengers had been hijacked and flown into those two huge towers i had seen in NYC a few months earlier. and they had collapsed, with many people in them. i saw the streets of nyc in panic, and clouds of dust. there was a tv on in every dorm room. i was in disbelief. it sounds like a dr.evil plan.2. What country or group did you suspect immediately?
i didn't. and i'd be too ashamed to admit it if i had.3. Who were you with? How did you react?
i was alone.... i had a single dorm room. i didn't want anyone near me, anyway. i watched tv until i got sick of it, and i went to the music building to get some physical comfort.
i wasn't ever mad. ever. not once. not since then either. i just don't understand how anyone could have been angry. well, the people who lost family, of course, but everyone in my philosophy class was livid and babbling about revenge. and about hunting down the people responsible and killing them. which made me sicker than i have ever been. why would you be mad? anger doesn't fix anything. it's not cathartic or productive. i wouldn't ever, even in my wildest dreams, consider more killing or hate "justice". that's not justice... that's childish. anyway.... i was just deeply sad for the people that lost their families. i felt just as sad for the mothers of the terrorists as i did for the mothers of the firfighters.4. Who did you call first?
i don't remember. i know i talked to my dad at some point that day. i think i eventually called a friend, but i can't remember who.5. What did you do the rest of the day?
watched tv.6. Did you have any friends or family killed in the attacks?
no.7. Do you think 9-11 should be a holiday?
that's morbid.8. Do you think even a % of the money donated really made it to the families?
i don't know. they're apparently getting money from various charities.... it's a nice gesture, since funerals cost money. but it's not like it's much of a consolation or anything.9. Did you feel an increased sense of patriotism?
no. drasticly decreased. i can't stand to see an american flag anymore. it makes me want to pull a homer simpson and jump out the window screaming. but i think patriotism is a bit overrated, and always have. pride is good. but this country, that country, who cares? americans aren't the only people who believe in freedom. the french aren't the only ones who believe in brotherhood. we're all part of one 'nation', as far as i'm concerned: humanity. and i did get a renewed sense of faith in people when i saw how people instantly and selflessly bonded together to aid.10. Have you flown since the attacks?
i love flying. i haven't gotten to make any plans yet.11. Have you been to Ground Zero?
[::..Del dropped a spore at 11:44 PM..::]
morbid morbid morbid.
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[::..Tuesday, September 10, 2002..::]
they're a sale at the bookstore, and i bought a big comfy fleece sweatshirt for 25.00. and a stuffed puppy for andrea's baby. i love sales. i want sweater weather to arrive so badly. i love lounging in a sweater and jeans. i want to wear my fucking sweatshirt.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 11:55 AM..::]
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The Joy Luck Club is on the university movie channel. i've watched it 3 times. it's an excellent movie.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 1:20 AM..::]
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Which Anti-Hero of Musical Theater are You?
This quiz was made by Invader Gin.he needs to get laid as well.
this amuses me. i actually got archibald craven from the secret garden. but this is funnier and less bitter.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 12:30 AM..::]
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i want me some ass.hot. so, so hot. i thought i was going to be served with eggs and a side of hash browns by the end of band.
but i bought a stuffed lemur for 7 dollars at the Uni bookstore! it has huge, red eyes. it looks like it's stoned. i was going to name it Cheech, but decided on Ernie.
what are my classes for tomorrow? shit. concert choir...... aural training...... oh. anthropology. with mr.creepy.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 12:07 AM..::]
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[::..Saturday, September 07, 2002..::]
Friday Five.... on Saturday.1. What is your biggest pet peeve? Why?
people who act inappropriately during movies. this includes:
* talking more than two or three times.
* bringing your shoeless children who are too young to really enjoy a movie, and are too young to understand that you have to be quiet.
* laughing at inappropriate moments.
like the older ladies cackling when Tango:Roxanne came on, because it was a sting song they recognized. um,hi. not a very good time to be giggling. or the lady that shrieked (literally) every time la Petite Princess came on. oh my god, little people are so funny!.....
wait. they aren't.
* commenting loudly on the movie; asking what's going to happen next. these people must be lacking a brain stem. mel gibson can't hear you, moron. some hick was doing that at Signs last weekend, and i answered everything she said until she gpt mad and stopped."he stabbed the dog! OHHHH!"
oh my GOD in heaven. he did? we didn't notice. thanks.
"what? what's that all about?"
what? why? where? maybe if i ask the screen, it'll answer back!2. What irritating habits do you have?
i'm too bitchy to people who irritate me at the movies.
i can't hear well, so i say "what? huh?" a lot.
i never walk away from an argument, and i never let anyone else.3. Have you tried to change the irritating habits or just let them be?
no, i'd rather be critical of everyone else's. ;)4. What grosses you out more than anything else? Why?
actually, very little grosses me out. that's just it. i chew other people's gum. i walk around my floor's community bathroom barefoot. i (used to) let food rot near by bed. nothing much grosses me out. no bodily fluids really make me sick.
oh! i know! food. like, soggy. and mixed together. i hate soggy food. i can't STAND to wash dishes or empty a drain strainer.5. What one thing can you never see yourself doing that other people do?
[::..Del dropped a spore at 11:05 PM..::]
giving up.
and being a fucker during movies.
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renata!i live in a cluster of 3 dorms called "the triad". i left for Lit. Masterworks thursday, and i saw a sign on the door that said that said "where in the triad is carmen sandiego?"
[::..Del dropped a spore at 10:26 PM..::]
apparently it's some kind of event. with a carmen sandiego logo on it. but i thought of you, on your brass arrrr-madillo with an eyepatch. i wonder if rockapella will be there........
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[::..Wednesday, September 04, 2002..::]
i don't have any diseases! i have a urinary tract infection. blood in my urine sucks. and it hurts. i'm glad i got it checked out, though, because these things can get dangerous and spread to the kidneys.allergies. everyone i have talked to is miserable. i take clariten and tavist. they're both 12 hour allergy medications. to be taken without other medications. i took 2 of each today, and i'm still miserable. and i can't sing because of it. and the skin under my nose is falling off because i had to wipe snot off my nose with my sleeve. because they're out of tissues at the bookstore. i tried to look cute today, but i felt like shit. so it sucked.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 10:51 PM..::]
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[::..Tuesday, September 03, 2002..::]
i got a call as i was leaving for band today:me: hello?
mr.rossi: hi, is this delanor?
me: yeah.....
mr.rossi: hey, this is mr.rossi..... why didn't you come to concert choir today?
me: whaaaaaat?
mr.rossi: did you not get the email?
me: noooo......
mr.rossi: oh! well, that explains it! you're in concert choir.
me: *promptly dies*ack! omg! i got into concert choir! holy fetus!
am i still supposed to be bleeding? because i am. and i have a bladder infection, which had better fucking be gone by this weekend.
[::..Del dropped a spore at 10:58 PM..::]
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