:: The Optic Monologues ::

:: Wednesday, June 05, 2002 ::

god. damn. it. i was almost done with this story and i lost it due to some ill-fated link clicking.

ok. i am chatting with emily when i hear mom say 'delanor! come here!' in a strange voice. i sense alarm, and rush downatairs. mom's standing on the porch.
"that snake is going to get that bird! oh no! oh, fly bird!"
*she claps her hands and yells*
mom. snakes eat birds. birds eat worms. that's how it goes.
"NO IT'S NOT!"
yes it is. snakes have to eat too.
"NO THEY DON'T!"

my mother is petrified of snakes. i think they're interesting. i wish i could speak Parseltongue. anyway. she flutters inside to call dad. to "get rid of it". now, when my mother sees a snake in her yard, she hacks it in half with a hoe. which infuriates me. she also puts glue traps down in our garage for the mice. i throw them away. i don't think she understands that snakes *eat* mice. she also will not allow grackles in our yard, and in the evening she used to go outside and bang tin pans together to scare away the grackles. she does not like the birds because they are "bullies, and frighten away the little birds.". apparently only grackles are afraid of loud noise. she looks like a fucking lunatic banging pans together and yelling, and i told her this every day. she is a weird kind of elitest..... she wants nothing unpretty to enter her garden..... when he had an influx of jap beetles a couple summers ago, she set up these traps with little baggies attached, for easy disposal of the bodies. she emptied lots of bags. why? because the beetles were hindering her ability to stroll the garden, and were eating her flowers. she tries to play god. she wants to have, like, a dome over our yards, so she can control things. no bugs, no snakes, no raccoons. god. she's so deluded and pathetic. it's so sad.

anyway. so she gets off the phone with dad and some back out on the porch with me. a car drives by and frightens the bird away. she hopes the car will hit the snake. eyeroll. i want to go see what kind it is, so i took off my socks and went out in the rain to go after it. i heart romping about barefoot. i have been all over this area. i know every little bend in the stream, every fallen tree, and every squirrell's nest. so the snake has slithered across the road. this is a green-black 4-5 footer. not a garden or corn snake. very small head.... doesn't seem apt to prey on anything larger than a sparrow. designs on the underside..... i think it's domestic and someone just got tired of having a pet snake. anyway. so dad gets there, mom is yelling in this high pitched voice. she wants us to take him out to the country. we've done this several times before with two little garden snakes. it's benson family procedure. dad advances on it to see if he can scare it away. mom INSISTS that it'll come back. she is babbling. dad stomps and stuff, but the snake just raised his head and looks up at him, as if he's waiting for dad to tap dance or something. this is why i think it's domesticated and used to being handled. it wasn't afraid at all. mom and dad go to get a trash bag and hoe. dad and i try to reason with mom.

"patty lou, there are probably dozens of snakes at any given time around here."
"i don't caaaaaaare, just as long as i don't have to see it! yaaaaaaah!"

i keep saying how stupid this is. mom tells me to get my keys. does anyone else think it's stupid to presume we can keep a snake in a trash bag? well, dad is preparing to pick it up with the hoe when i remind him that you have to have two thin rods to handle a snake, not one big one. then we get back to where it was..... and it's gone. we look around..... nothing. for a whole minute. then mom screams.

"HARRY! IT'S IN THE TREEE!!!"

so it was. little devil had gotten on a long pine branch and slithered up that! amazing. lol..... it was kind of close to dad's head, so he jumped a little. mom is positively FREAKING OUT, and i'll tell you why in a minute. i swear, the neighbors have got to think she's insane..... she was yelling and whining so loud. dad tried to knock it out of the tree, but it was to far up the branch. he had gotten away. clever snake. when all hope was gone that we'd catch him today, mom went crazy. she started grabbing her head (in the middle of the road* and shrieking "oh NOOOOO, but now he can FALL ON MEEEE!" and most everything else she said was unintelligible babble. she started crying really loud and grabbing her head and shaking..... i seriously almost called the doctor. and she hunched over and dad helped her back to the houe....... she was seriously crying like a kid does. i have never heard her cry like that. i felt bad for her, but i was also amused, even though i know what it's like to be afraid of something for no logical reason...... you all know how i am with needles. it was kind of a funny scene...... i don't know. when something really tense or really dangerous happens, i crack up. the one time we almost got in a car accident, i giggled uncontrollably. when our van slid down the hill into the ditch and almost toppled over because of snow, i was laughing my ass off from the living room. so mom was rying and screaming, dad was helping mom back inside, and i'm a few feet behind because i was doubled over surpressing laughter. i'm so weird.

the reason she was afraid when she realized it can climb trees:
i don't remember this story very well. when she and dad had just gotten married, and they were asleep in bed. they lived in the woods. and somehow some incredibly poisonous snake had gotten up in the rafters or something, and had fallen on the bed. i don't remember how or why mom woke up...... maybe the dog woke her..... but she positively freaked. dad killed it. so she has a phobia of snakes falling on her.

mom - 0
snake - 1

:: Delanor Benson 5:57 PM [+] ::

...

:: Tuesday, June 04, 2002 ::

i am in need of a template change. even if it's just colors...... but i need to do something. i don't like having my text box so small. will ask renata about that when she returns. I MISS RENATA!

i wish my school would sell textbooks. we rent ours. now, i'm a dork and like to have things of reference at my fingertips. as if i'm not living 30 feet from thr library next year. i got my books for Comp II, which starts Thursday. and apparently at normal textbook rental stores, you *buy* the books, and then you have the option of selling them back. at my school we just give them back at the end of the year. thing is..... i *need* to keep a Music Theory book around for when i'm in Music Theory II. and so on and so forth.

i am listening to Ice Ice Baby. there is nothing funnier. he's so serious.......
EAST GRAND AVENUE!

jesus. the worst thing about being home in the summer is the internet. omg. the entire world should be LAN or cable or something. i'm sick of this crap. i don't understand why sometimes NO pages will load. and when they do, it takes so long. it makes me want to jump out the window.

emily. i want to come visit. i swear i'll do it in june. and we shall wander. and such.
:: Delanor Benson 7:58 PM [+] ::

...

today i will:

paint my wall(s). yes, that's right. no more artwork. my happy face and road will be gone. when i saw that Clarissa on Clarissa Explains It All had a road painted on her wall, complete with little cars, i knew i wanted one too. my parents were surprisingly agreeable to the idea of me painting shit on my walls at 12. they were even more receptive when i told them the other day that i was going to paint over it. it's honestly just because my Delaroche print is framed now, and i want it hung over my bed. but it looks stupid with the edges of the happy face sticking out.

watch American Beauty. because i haven't watched it in awhile. and i saw a plastic bag in the street as i was going over to thom's today, and i thought of it.

i think i'm losing weight. either that, or i'm just feelin' good right now.

i need to sell my blink tickets..... i need the money. which pains me, because i do want to go. but i neeeeed the cash.
:: Delanor Benson 6:09 AM [+] ::

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:: Monday, June 03, 2002 ::

pissy.

pissy pissy pissy pissy.

later:
ok. not pissy anymore. i came very close to buying a jane austen book today. but i didn't. i puttered around barnes and noble for 1 1/2 hours. chatted with militoni, who i haven't seen in ages, and puttered home. because my phone vibrated while i was there. thom called. the conversation went as such:

Me: hello?
Thom: [in a raspy, british accent..... the entire time] BILBO? billlllllbo BAGGINS! Is that YOU, BILBO? I looove you MADLY, BILBO! do you.......... want to go rape the town with me, dear bilbo?
Me: Hi Thom. what are you doing?
Thom: I LOVE YOU BILBO, and i WANT YOU TO BE MIIIIIINE!!
Me: [sighs] what are you on?
Thom: nothing.
Me: Thom.
Thom: i drank! i drunk! BILBO! i had some jaaaack daniels followed by some vodka! vodka. rum. i am SHITFACED.
Me: i guess this means i'm driving.
Thom: bilbo! BILBO! i LOVE you and want you to me mine! i love you and i want you to be mine, mr.BAGGINS! [incessant giggles]
Me: what do you want to go do?
Thom: well, mr.bilbo, it's been so LONG! SO TERRIBLY LONG!
Me: thomas. what do you want to do?
Thom: i want to go to IHOP to rape some fat bitches!
Me: ok....... i'll be home in 1 1/2 hours or so. don't take any drugs.
Thom: it's been so long, my DEAR, DEAR BILBO!
Me: Thom, i'm hanging up now. people are staring at me. bye!
Thom: BYE, MR.BILBO! i shall Miss YOUU! I SHALL MISS YOOOOOOOOU!
[click]

so, thom was really drunk. and we had fun. and i couldn't drink because i was driving. le sigh.
:: Delanor Benson 2:22 AM [+] ::

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